Don’t Fear the F-Word

Gays

So different, yet so the same. Pic courtesy of Paul Tuller 

Get ready for a can of controversy, because we are going to step into the topic of dating “Fem” guys. We still see on profiles the desire for “masc only” or “no fems”. Just like you, we have your views on the dangers of classification and labels, and what our people are saying about it. Since these labels are not wholly vanquished from our community yet, let’s have a little discussion about them…

ME: So I have a friend who makes comments about how he can’t date “fem” guys. He argues that if he wanted to date a feminine guy, he would just date girls.

MO: Yeah that’s what they all say. I understand that you want a “man” man but if that were the case then are some lesbians you can date who are probably more masculine than your friend.

ME: A good point, but the concern here is that we are discriminating against the “fem” gays.

MO: That’s exactly what your friend is doing. Because he is automatically assuming that anyone who does not fit his definition of a “man” is not worth his attention. Instead he could be evaluating each person based on their individuality rather than preconceived notions based on mannerism because underneath all the flamboyance or “femininity” there could be someone he really clicks with.

ME: We all have a preference and we tend to categorize what we want. There are guys who like feminine guys because of the characteristics they have and then there are those guys who like the more rugged, masculine men because what masculinity represents.

Weight lifter

Enter a caption

MO: It’s not that I don’t agree with the idea of preferences. However, relationships aren’t built on exterior displays they live and fall by the connections of two individuals. Making decisions based on the masc/fem dichotomy is kind of being one dimensional.

I used to be like your friend. I always said I wanted to date a guy who was masculine or “straight acting”. I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy that was feminine. One day, I went out with a guy who looked masculine. We got together and he opened his mouth and that just shattered my perception of him. He’s what some would call “feminine.” He talked like a valley girl and his favorite phrase was “I am a fucken lady!” My first reaction was to run away. I let my guard down because of my physical attraction to him though. He was gorgeous!!!! Girl, he was hella PHINE! (ME rolls his eyes) This allowed me to get to know him as an individual and learn to appreciate him as a whole.

ME: Yeah, it helps when the guy is PHINE. However, sometimes people can’t get past what they initially see. Gay men tend to judge more based on what they see physically.

MO: Can’t or won’t? I won’t say that you are completely wrong about that but I had my teaching moment which showed me that it is possible to have an initial reaction, let go of it, and then dig a little deeper.

ME: Into his pants???

MO: I think the main issue is that the self-proclaimed “masc only” dude will stick to only what he likes and won’t give the “other” a chance, so he misses out on those teaching moments, even if it is just to break down assumptions or prejudices and build understanding.

Preference

Do we limit ourselves with preferences?

ME:  I don’t think its prejudice. I believe it has more to do with being physically attracted to someone. These guys could be friends but aren’t willing to date each other…

MO: We are not talking about appearance.

ME: Yeah we are because there are guys who dress more feminine. They don’t dress like “Bros”. But in the end our community needs to be more about inclusion and unity. Just stop being shady bitches. In the words of Mother RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?

MO: Amen.

This is one of those subjects that relates to our whole community, not just a few here and there. So we want to hear from you: Is ME’s friend being too judgmental? Let us know in the comments.

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Do you need porn in a Relationship?

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We’re just gonna say it: PORN. We watch it; you watch it. No biggie though. Or is it? In a relationship is porn the ultimate aid or just an excuse to stop trying. This isn’t a serious study, just a simple discussion about real sex versus porn!

ME: I don’t see anything wrong with watching porn. It can be healthy, especially when you’ve been in a relationship that seems to be going stale or needs the occasional pick-me-upper. It not only stimulates your imagination with your partner, it also stimulates your penis.

MO: It’s not that it’s bad per se, but I really don’t think porn helps the imagination. It tends to take the creativity away. You watch porn, the sex is up there…unrealistic sex…and you don’t have to really take time to think about how you would spice up your sex life.

ME: I think it’s healthy, when you’re in a long-term relationship to explore, and porn is one way to do so.

MO: So the producers at Gag the Fag are doing that to help out a couple of 20+ years?

ME: I doubt that’s their intent, but it depends on what kind of imagination you’ve got. Some people get into a routine of how they pleasure their partner and maybe gagging someone…(Laugh)…will reignite the fire or choke them to death. Whatever.

Austin Woolf

What’s wrong with looking at him?

MO: Well, there needs to be major comfort if you’re gonna ask your partner to gag you with his cock or maybe shove his fist up your hole. And see, this is what porn does! It takes your own ideas and kicks them out of your head and puts in these unrealistic or extreme situations instead. And all of a sudden, instead of being creative, you’re a Juicy Boys hack.

ME: Would you rather have your partner watch porn by himself?

MO: No, personally I would rather not have porn in my relationship. I want a partner that is willing to tell me his fantasies and explore sex together without inviting in Austin Wolf, as hot as his ass is…Porn just takes away from the present and the real.

ME: No one is saying to watch porn every time you have sex. You use it when you want to explore new things. And I’m NOT talking about gagging your partner or putting a cone up your ass! EW!

MO: Porn is addictive and I’m saying if you have to invite it in to your relationship, you’re not being imaginative it’s like inviting in a third person…

ME: Porn is supplemental. And what’s wrong with a third person?!

Safety Cone

Who uses this in their sex life???

MO: Look at you and your big words! You want to supplement and soon you’re supplanted. Porn just creates a mess of unrealistic expectations. You get into a relationship so you don’t have to look at porn. You have your porn now.

ME: No. You’re wrong.

MO: How am I wrong?

ME: All I said is porn is just an extra. It isn’t gonna dominate your sexual life with your partner. You watch it when you’re feeling the need for a little extra kick.

MO: I think if you want extra kick then how about talking with your partner and coming with something instead of letting Colby Jansen’s hot ass come up with it for you?

ME: You seem to be referencing a lot of porn stars so I’m going to assume you watch a lot of porn, and you’re saying it’s not healthy in a relationship. However, you should be speaking to your partner about watching porn. Say: “hey, why don’t we watch porn tonight to get roused up. And maybe we’ll see something we like.” Cones not included!

MO: I do watch my fair share. But I am single so, it’s a moot point. I do have this one “Friend” that likes to have porn on while we….get “friendly”. I don’t say anything because we aren’t a couple, but when it’s on I wonder if he is watching it or paying attention to what I’m doing to him. And that is my point. It detracts from reality and that isn’t good for a relationship, especially if you’re trying to get it going again.

ME: You’re assuming that there is something wrong with the relationship. Porn can open new possibilities in exploring each other’s bodies, in a way you haven’t done before.

MO: Have you watched porn? It’s all pretty much the same. And that does suggest that a person has no imagination if they have to use porn.

ME: You’re assuming the person doesn’t have imagination.

MO: Um, yes I am. That is my point.

ME: Yes, porn is unrealistic, 90%, no 80% of gay men don’t look like that. Most of us don’t have these big penises or chiseled abs, but the reason we might turn to it is to look at something that is different from us. It doesn’t mean we aren’t physically attracted to our partner. It just means we want to look at someone who is sexy.

MO: Well, in the end I still think it sucks the imagination out of people, so you’re wrong.

ME: Whatever.

Lube and tissue

#SingleForLife

MO: Whatever yourself.

ME: As always, I am right on this one.

Are you #TeamMe, is porn okay in the relationship? Or are you #TeamMo, no porn! Let us know you’re view in the comments!

Who Makes the First Move?

Scott and me

ME and MO

ME is all about letting the other guy make the first move. MO is all for initiating. With a hetero couple it seems a little easier to tell who should initiate, but when the couple is same-sex, who makes the first move?

ME: I never make the first move.

MO: No wonder you’re a born again virgin.

ME: I never make the first move because I’m fucking adorable.

MO: Okay, there are several things wrong with that statement. I’m not saying that you have to make the first move EVERY time, but there are times when it would be beneficial if you actually did. If you never ask someone out then you just slowed down the process of meeting a special someone, or missing that opportunity entirely because you were too proud or shy to make the first move.

ME: Well, maybe it’s them who are missing out, not me. I do encourage guys to make the first move. I give them hints. I know how to flirt…most of the time.

James Franco

Come hither…

MO: After how many drinks?

ME: After 2. I get drunk fairly easy.

MO: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can drop all the hints you want, but that doesn’t always mean someone is gonna pick them up. There are times to be flirty and subtle and then there are times to be bold and direct.

ME: All I’m saying is that I don’t make the first move because I’m shy. I’m not conceited. Just to clarify. And it just so happens that guys make the first move. And if they don’t, I’m fine either way.

MO: So there has been a time when you wanted to go out with a guy but didn’t because you were too shy to ask? And it felt like the he just passed you by.

ME: No.

MO: I bet there was a time when you wish you had made the first move and didn’t.

ME: Sure with Joe what’s his name from Magic Mike, but seriously, there have been cute guys I’ve seen and wanted to flirt with. However, I get too shy.

MO: The thing is, there is a time when you should shake off the shyness and make the first move. It’s like going for a job. There are times when you are gifted with an opportunity and then there are times when you have to go get them! Dating is that way. You gotta put your fears aside and just talk.

ME: So are you saying I am missing out on something by not initiating?

MO: I am saying that there are probably opportunities you have missed because you sat back instead of acting.

ME: So does that mean you are always initiating?

MO: Not always. There are times I am either too shy or am just fed up with doing all the chasing, so I sit back and see if the bait catches any fishes. But if I see a guy I am really into or curious about, I do take the time to start things off because I would rather have an “Oh Well” moment than a “What if” moment.

ME: But I don’t think or worry about the “Oh well” or “What ifs”. If he isn’t willing to try when I’m there then it’s not worth thinking about.

MO And if you are okay with that fine, but just remember that if you keep doing the same thing you will always have the same results. At some point, you may find that you will need to initiate and it’s good to practice, especially since you are a shy guy.

ME: But you make it sound like I’m complaining about it. I’m not. I’m just saying I don’t.

me-halo

ME adorable as usual

MO: No, I know you aren’t complaining. Just letting you know that life could be a bit more colorful and you could have more stories to share if you just stepped outside your shy, little box now and again.

ME: But I’m adorable…….and you’re a whore.

MO: That’s fine. Whatever you say.

What about you guys? Do you agree with ME or are you Mo? Let us know in the comments if ME should change his way of thinking.