Going the Distance


going the distance

I had the pleasure of meeting a really nice guy a couple of weeks ago. We met online as most gay men do. What was different for me this time around is instead of doing the usual texting game, we had long conversations over the phone, which I found somewhat unique or maybe the right word is retro. (Do people actually talk on the phone anymore?)

A week after talking for hours over the phone every night, we met for a drink. He called me awkward and guarded, which I found weirdly refreshing that someone called me out on my shit. We ended up making out in his car. I felt like I was in high school again making out in the car with a guy. Actually, I never made out with any guys in high school, which has no significance to this story…We continued to talk over the phone for a week. We talked about family, life and his past, things he said he never really talked about with other guys but felt he could with me.

We met again. The chemistry was palpable. He came over to my place and we laid in my bed and snuggled and even napped for a bit. Who does that the second time you meet someone, right? It felt really natural and comfortable which is usually hard for me after only meeting twice. I guess our talks over the phone allowed me to let my guard down as he called it.

After the nap, we had lunch and came back to my place where we laid in bed again and talked and laughed and cuddled some more. It was all very innocent and disgustingly cute. There was even a moment where we were staring into each other’s eyes (I know, gross!), and I knew he cared and I knew he was going to be trouble. Whether this was a good or bad kind of trouble, I wasn’t exactly sure at that very moment. For two gay men, who are into each other, and to just lay in bed, is kind of unheard of. Don’t get me wrong, we both wanted something to happen but unfortunately he couldn’t spend the night. Prior to our hanging out, he told me he wouldn’t be able to stay because of a commitment he had the next day with his church. I respected that.

With all this said, I’m leaving out a very important detail in this story. I live in Sacramento and he lives two hours away. The town he lives in has no importance just that it’s two hours away. Not the ideal situation when you like someone, however, two hours is nothing compared to a 10 hour flight to go visit your boyfriend who lives in another continent (Yes, I experienced this before!). So for me a two hour drive to his town seemed like walk in the park especially when we liked each other. Maybe I am just a romantic or maybe just desperate and wanted sex. It’s a blurry line, really.

LDR meme

Unfortunately for him, two hours was significant. The day after spending time together and realizing we had a connection that went beyond just physical attraction, we had a conversation and the distance or as he called it, the elephant in the room, was brought up. He said the distance was going to be an issue for him. He wanted to have the option to be able to see me everyday or spend the night or watch a movie at any given moment. All valid points I will admit. These long distance relationships are not easy. You need a lot of patience and more importantly, you need a lot of love for it to be worth it. And then he said something that threw me off. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and that he didn’t believe in fighting for love or to be fought for. I agree, you should never have to fight for love. Love is not something you fight for. You either feel it or you don’t. We didn’t have love, we had only known each other for 2 weeks; however, we were starting to feel something. Why would he call at 6 in the morning just to say hi or get excited when I told him I had a nickname for him.

Going the Distance 2

I am not exactly sure what got into his head. Maybe he got scared or whatever he was feeling became too real. But I believe that going the distance is worth it when you feel something. Life is too short to let an opportunity pass by. I understand the distance can and is an issue as it was for him, but if you never give it a shot, how will you ever know what you could experience? Is it best to stop early before feelings become too deep? Did he do what was best for himself or was his reaction what is best for the both of us? Was he trying to spare our feelings from getting hurt in the long run? What’s your take on this? Are long distance relationships ever worth the trouble?



When you are gone


One of many happy memories we had

I usually like to write about the fun things in life and, hopefully, be funny while doing so. Life can be unpredictable and too serious so I like keep it light and witty. But this past December, on a Friday night where I was snapchatting my wavy hair to my friend, I received news that changed the way I viewed my life. I learned my ex-boyfriend had passed away unexpectedly.

I was in shock. I never imagined him…dead. Death is so final and I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea he was no longer part of this world. Sometimes, when you go through a relationship that ends with your heart broken, you secretly wish for your ex to disappear from the face of the earth. Even with all the hurt, I never imagined him dead (although my friends might say otherwise!). I learned he had been sick earlier during the week, but hoped and prayed this was just another time where he would get healthy again and I would pick up the phone and scream at him for not taking care of himself and he’d be loud and obnoxious as usual. We would laugh and he’d call me Guaca (a nickname he’d given me because I don’t like avocados) and we’d catch up on life.

But reality was his lungs collapsed after a week in the hospital with pneumonia. I would never be able to pick up the phone and hear him laugh or talk or see him smile or take a million pictures. It had been 3 years since we last spoke and even longer since we last saw each other. He lived in Lima, Peru and I in Sacramento. The relationship had ended on bad terms. He said some very hurtful things that caused a lot of resent toward him. But the four and half years we were together, I was in love with him. He has been the only person that I have loved. He taught me about love and I learned a lot about what I am capable of. Relationships are hard and no one is perfect. And he made me understand that.

Six months before he passed away, I felt I no longer needed to hold on the hurt. It was as if I was clinging to the pain and anger because it was the only emotions that tied me to him. I decided to write him an email where I only wrote three very simple words: I forgive you. I didn’t need to write more or explain why. It was what I felt at that moment. He wrote back saying it didn’t matter how long it had taken me to say those words and but he was glad I had. He was happy with his life and wanted to explain to me in person what he was feeling. At that moment, all I knew is that I had forgiven him and it felt it was the right thing to do.

After his response, I never wrote back. It wasn’t until December that I learned he was lying in a hospital bed unresponsive. It was a too late to say anything. A huge part of me regrets not writing back and letting him know how I felt. I never imagined I would receive a message through Facebook telling me he was dead. I thought I had time. Even though we say people die unexpectedly, death is really the only thing in life we should expect. Everything in between is what we write as we create our story. With all the good and bad memories I experienced with him, the most important lessons I learned from him is to love, forgive and live. All the in between is just fillers in life.