When you are gone

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One of many happy memories we had

I usually like to write about the fun things in life and, hopefully, be funny while doing so. Life can be unpredictable and too serious so I like keep it light and witty. But this past December, on a Friday night where I was snapchatting my wavy hair to my friend, I received news that changed the way I viewed my life. I learned my ex-boyfriend had passed away unexpectedly.

I was in shock. I never imagined him…dead. Death is so final and I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea he was no longer part of this world. Sometimes, when you go through a relationship that ends with your heart broken, you secretly wish for your ex to disappear from the face of the earth. Even with all the hurt, I never imagined him dead (although my friends might say otherwise!). I learned he had been sick earlier during the week, but hoped and prayed this was just another time where he would get healthy again and I would pick up the phone and scream at him for not taking care of himself and he’d be loud and obnoxious as usual. We would laugh and he’d call me Guaca (a nickname he’d given me because I don’t like avocados) and we’d catch up on life.

But reality was his lungs collapsed after a week in the hospital with pneumonia. I would never be able to pick up the phone and hear him laugh or talk or see him smile or take a million pictures. It had been 3 years since we last spoke and even longer since we last saw each other. He lived in Lima, Peru and I in Sacramento. The relationship had ended on bad terms. He said some very hurtful things that caused a lot of resent toward him. But the four and half years we were together, I was in love with him. He has been the only person that I have loved. He taught me about love and I learned a lot about what I am capable of. Relationships are hard and no one is perfect. And he made me understand that.

Six months before he passed away, I felt I no longer needed to hold on the hurt. It was as if I was clinging to the pain and anger because it was the only emotions that tied me to him. I decided to write him an email where I only wrote three very simple words: I forgive you. I didn’t need to write more or explain why. It was what I felt at that moment. He wrote back saying it didn’t matter how long it had taken me to say those words and but he was glad I had. He was happy with his life and wanted to explain to me in person what he was feeling. At that moment, all I knew is that I had forgiven him and it felt it was the right thing to do.

After his response, I never wrote back. It wasn’t until December that I learned he was lying in a hospital bed unresponsive. It was a too late to say anything. A huge part of me regrets not writing back and letting him know how I felt. I never imagined I would receive a message through Facebook telling me he was dead. I thought I had time. Even though we say people die unexpectedly, death is really the only thing in life we should expect. Everything in between is what we write as we create our story. With all the good and bad memories I experienced with him, the most important lessons I learned from him is to love, forgive and live. All the in between is just fillers in life.  

Don’t Fear the F-Word

Gays

So different, yet so the same. Pic courtesy of Paul Tuller 

Get ready for a can of controversy, because we are going to step into the topic of dating “Fem” guys. We still see on profiles the desire for “masc only” or “no fems”. Just like you, we have your views on the dangers of classification and labels, and what our people are saying about it. Since these labels are not wholly vanquished from our community yet, let’s have a little discussion about them…

ME: So I have a friend who makes comments about how he can’t date “fem” guys. He argues that if he wanted to date a feminine guy, he would just date girls.

MO: Yeah that’s what they all say. I understand that you want a “man” man but if that were the case then are some lesbians you can date who are probably more masculine than your friend.

ME: A good point, but the concern here is that we are discriminating against the “fem” gays.

MO: That’s exactly what your friend is doing. Because he is automatically assuming that anyone who does not fit his definition of a “man” is not worth his attention. Instead he could be evaluating each person based on their individuality rather than preconceived notions based on mannerism because underneath all the flamboyance or “femininity” there could be someone he really clicks with.

ME: We all have a preference and we tend to categorize what we want. There are guys who like feminine guys because of the characteristics they have and then there are those guys who like the more rugged, masculine men because what masculinity represents.

Weight lifter

Enter a caption

MO: It’s not that I don’t agree with the idea of preferences. However, relationships aren’t built on exterior displays they live and fall by the connections of two individuals. Making decisions based on the masc/fem dichotomy is kind of being one dimensional.

I used to be like your friend. I always said I wanted to date a guy who was masculine or “straight acting”. I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy that was feminine. One day, I went out with a guy who looked masculine. We got together and he opened his mouth and that just shattered my perception of him. He’s what some would call “feminine.” He talked like a valley girl and his favorite phrase was “I am a fucken lady!” My first reaction was to run away. I let my guard down because of my physical attraction to him though. He was gorgeous!!!! Girl, he was hella PHINE! (ME rolls his eyes) This allowed me to get to know him as an individual and learn to appreciate him as a whole.

ME: Yeah, it helps when the guy is PHINE. However, sometimes people can’t get past what they initially see. Gay men tend to judge more based on what they see physically.

MO: Can’t or won’t? I won’t say that you are completely wrong about that but I had my teaching moment which showed me that it is possible to have an initial reaction, let go of it, and then dig a little deeper.

ME: Into his pants???

MO: I think the main issue is that the self-proclaimed “masc only” dude will stick to only what he likes and won’t give the “other” a chance, so he misses out on those teaching moments, even if it is just to break down assumptions or prejudices and build understanding.

Preference

Do we limit ourselves with preferences?

ME:  I don’t think its prejudice. I believe it has more to do with being physically attracted to someone. These guys could be friends but aren’t willing to date each other…

MO: We are not talking about appearance.

ME: Yeah we are because there are guys who dress more feminine. They don’t dress like “Bros”. But in the end our community needs to be more about inclusion and unity. Just stop being shady bitches. In the words of Mother RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?

MO: Amen.

This is one of those subjects that relates to our whole community, not just a few here and there. So we want to hear from you: Is ME’s friend being too judgmental? Let us know in the comments.

Do you need porn in a Relationship?

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We’re just gonna say it: PORN. We watch it; you watch it. No biggie though. Or is it? In a relationship is porn the ultimate aid or just an excuse to stop trying. This isn’t a serious study, just a simple discussion about real sex versus porn!

ME: I don’t see anything wrong with watching porn. It can be healthy, especially when you’ve been in a relationship that seems to be going stale or needs the occasional pick-me-upper. It not only stimulates your imagination with your partner, it also stimulates your penis.

MO: It’s not that it’s bad per se, but I really don’t think porn helps the imagination. It tends to take the creativity away. You watch porn, the sex is up there…unrealistic sex…and you don’t have to really take time to think about how you would spice up your sex life.

ME: I think it’s healthy, when you’re in a long-term relationship to explore, and porn is one way to do so.

MO: So the producers at Gag the Fag are doing that to help out a couple of 20+ years?

ME: I doubt that’s their intent, but it depends on what kind of imagination you’ve got. Some people get into a routine of how they pleasure their partner and maybe gagging someone…(Laugh)…will reignite the fire or choke them to death. Whatever.

Austin Woolf

What’s wrong with looking at him?

MO: Well, there needs to be major comfort if you’re gonna ask your partner to gag you with his cock or maybe shove his fist up your hole. And see, this is what porn does! It takes your own ideas and kicks them out of your head and puts in these unrealistic or extreme situations instead. And all of a sudden, instead of being creative, you’re a Juicy Boys hack.

ME: Would you rather have your partner watch porn by himself?

MO: No, personally I would rather not have porn in my relationship. I want a partner that is willing to tell me his fantasies and explore sex together without inviting in Austin Wolf, as hot as his ass is…Porn just takes away from the present and the real.

ME: No one is saying to watch porn every time you have sex. You use it when you want to explore new things. And I’m NOT talking about gagging your partner or putting a cone up your ass! EW!

MO: Porn is addictive and I’m saying if you have to invite it in to your relationship, you’re not being imaginative it’s like inviting in a third person…

ME: Porn is supplemental. And what’s wrong with a third person?!

Safety Cone

Who uses this in their sex life???

MO: Look at you and your big words! You want to supplement and soon you’re supplanted. Porn just creates a mess of unrealistic expectations. You get into a relationship so you don’t have to look at porn. You have your porn now.

ME: No. You’re wrong.

MO: How am I wrong?

ME: All I said is porn is just an extra. It isn’t gonna dominate your sexual life with your partner. You watch it when you’re feeling the need for a little extra kick.

MO: I think if you want extra kick then how about talking with your partner and coming with something instead of letting Colby Jansen’s hot ass come up with it for you?

ME: You seem to be referencing a lot of porn stars so I’m going to assume you watch a lot of porn, and you’re saying it’s not healthy in a relationship. However, you should be speaking to your partner about watching porn. Say: “hey, why don’t we watch porn tonight to get roused up. And maybe we’ll see something we like.” Cones not included!

MO: I do watch my fair share. But I am single so, it’s a moot point. I do have this one “Friend” that likes to have porn on while we….get “friendly”. I don’t say anything because we aren’t a couple, but when it’s on I wonder if he is watching it or paying attention to what I’m doing to him. And that is my point. It detracts from reality and that isn’t good for a relationship, especially if you’re trying to get it going again.

ME: You’re assuming that there is something wrong with the relationship. Porn can open new possibilities in exploring each other’s bodies, in a way you haven’t done before.

MO: Have you watched porn? It’s all pretty much the same. And that does suggest that a person has no imagination if they have to use porn.

ME: You’re assuming the person doesn’t have imagination.

MO: Um, yes I am. That is my point.

ME: Yes, porn is unrealistic, 90%, no 80% of gay men don’t look like that. Most of us don’t have these big penises or chiseled abs, but the reason we might turn to it is to look at something that is different from us. It doesn’t mean we aren’t physically attracted to our partner. It just means we want to look at someone who is sexy.

MO: Well, in the end I still think it sucks the imagination out of people, so you’re wrong.

ME: Whatever.

Lube and tissue

#SingleForLife

MO: Whatever yourself.

ME: As always, I am right on this one.

Are you #TeamMe, is porn okay in the relationship? Or are you #TeamMo, no porn! Let us know you’re view in the comments!

Who Makes the First Move?

Scott and me

ME and MO

ME is all about letting the other guy make the first move. MO is all for initiating. With a hetero couple it seems a little easier to tell who should initiate, but when the couple is same-sex, who makes the first move?

ME: I never make the first move.

MO: No wonder you’re a born again virgin.

ME: I never make the first move because I’m fucking adorable.

MO: Okay, there are several things wrong with that statement. I’m not saying that you have to make the first move EVERY time, but there are times when it would be beneficial if you actually did. If you never ask someone out then you just slowed down the process of meeting a special someone, or missing that opportunity entirely because you were too proud or shy to make the first move.

ME: Well, maybe it’s them who are missing out, not me. I do encourage guys to make the first move. I give them hints. I know how to flirt…most of the time.

James Franco

Come hither…

MO: After how many drinks?

ME: After 2. I get drunk fairly easy.

MO: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can drop all the hints you want, but that doesn’t always mean someone is gonna pick them up. There are times to be flirty and subtle and then there are times to be bold and direct.

ME: All I’m saying is that I don’t make the first move because I’m shy. I’m not conceited. Just to clarify. And it just so happens that guys make the first move. And if they don’t, I’m fine either way.

MO: So there has been a time when you wanted to go out with a guy but didn’t because you were too shy to ask? And it felt like the he just passed you by.

ME: No.

MO: I bet there was a time when you wish you had made the first move and didn’t.

ME: Sure with Joe what’s his name from Magic Mike, but seriously, there have been cute guys I’ve seen and wanted to flirt with. However, I get too shy.

MO: The thing is, there is a time when you should shake off the shyness and make the first move. It’s like going for a job. There are times when you are gifted with an opportunity and then there are times when you have to go get them! Dating is that way. You gotta put your fears aside and just talk.

ME: So are you saying I am missing out on something by not initiating?

MO: I am saying that there are probably opportunities you have missed because you sat back instead of acting.

ME: So does that mean you are always initiating?

MO: Not always. There are times I am either too shy or am just fed up with doing all the chasing, so I sit back and see if the bait catches any fishes. But if I see a guy I am really into or curious about, I do take the time to start things off because I would rather have an “Oh Well” moment than a “What if” moment.

ME: But I don’t think or worry about the “Oh well” or “What ifs”. If he isn’t willing to try when I’m there then it’s not worth thinking about.

MO And if you are okay with that fine, but just remember that if you keep doing the same thing you will always have the same results. At some point, you may find that you will need to initiate and it’s good to practice, especially since you are a shy guy.

ME: But you make it sound like I’m complaining about it. I’m not. I’m just saying I don’t.

me-halo

ME adorable as usual

MO: No, I know you aren’t complaining. Just letting you know that life could be a bit more colorful and you could have more stories to share if you just stepped outside your shy, little box now and again.

ME: But I’m adorable…….and you’re a whore.

MO: That’s fine. Whatever you say.

What about you guys? Do you agree with ME or are you Mo? Let us know in the comments if ME should change his way of thinking.

Putting Out on the First Date

C'mon, would you really tell THIS guy no? If you say, you're lying to yourself.
C’mon, would you really tell THIS guy no? If you say yes, you’re lying to yourself.

ME may be more liberal when it comes to social issues, but in the bedroom he tends to be shy. MO, however, has no qualms with sex on the first date. ME and MO are going to dive into the topic of putting out on the first date: good idea or too soon?

ME: So I would like to say that I have never slept with anyone on the first date!

ST. ME over here.
ST. ME over here.

MO: Wait, like never, ever?

ME: Yes, never. I have never put out on the first date. I just believe that you should try to get to know someone a little before sleeping with them. You have to see if there is a vibe or chemistry there.

MO: And that isn’t possible on the first date?

ME: Well, not that it’s impossible. But what is the likelihood of something real spawning from putting out on the first date? I’m just classy never trashy.

MO: Sooo, guys who do put out are trashy?

ME: Well, are you going out to just have sex or are you going out to actually get to know the person. What is the purpose of your outing?

MO: Sometimes we start with the intent to get to know someone and then stuff just happens. Maybe you hit it off really well and you start fooling around and. And that doesn’t always mean that getting to know someone is off the table.

ME: But sleeping with someone on the first meeting, doesn’t that kill the incentive to keep going out? Because what else are going to get to know about him? It seems that if you sleep with a guy the first time guys tend to lose interest.

MO: Like he got the milk for free, why would he want to keep the cow?

ME: If your intent to is to actually date someone, shouldn’t you want to wait and get to know his personality? Wouldn’t the sex then be more intense?

MO: Well, it’s been my experience that putting out on the first date doesn’t always mean the end of dating. I’ve gone out with guys and we had sex on the first date, but then we kept going out.

ME: But did it develop into anything?

MO: It did once. So like a 5% success rate. But it’s not necessarily the sex that killed it.

Graphs is science, so....yeah.
Graphs is science, so….yeah.

ME: Maybe you should define why it’s okay?

MO: I think it’s fine because it feels good! If the chemistry and connection is there, then it’s not necessarily wrong and there’s no point in delaying the inevitable. If the connection is genuine then having sex on the first date will not lead to diminished interest.

ME: It could kill the potential to further the relationship because you know the guy physically. And it seems if you start this way, you tend to lose interest in actually getting to know the guy even more.

MO: And I am disagreeing with you, as usual. It’s not universally true. Sex on the first date doesn’t necessarily kill that potential. Who’s to say that having it on the fourth date doesn’t do the same. Either way, a relationship isn’t guaranteed. Sex on the first date is not the deciding factor and if it is, then that is the wrong guy to be with.

Hey, God said it not me.
Hey, God said it not me.

ME: You’re a whore.

ME: 20 dates does not guarantee a relationship. What I am saying is that sleeping with someone from the get-go is killing the potential for romance. If you sleep with a guy on the first date, then you already know you won’t have to try very hard to impress the person. Why try when you’re a whore?!

MO: Just because you haven’t had sex in like ten years, don’t be bitter. And plus, it seems like you made a point FOR putting out on the first date. Put out on the first date and if it goes well, you like it, they stick around then twenty dates wouldn’t be such a waste of time. But if you go on all these dates, then sleep with someone and you don’t like it or that person then takes off…well, you just wasted hella time and effort.

What do you think? Is ME is always right? Should you wait to see if there is romance or is putting out on the first date kosher?

Online v. Traditional Dating

Scott and me

Left to right: ME, MO. They look so innocent.

From the minds that brought you “Mean Gays”…a new series that dives into the real “important” stuff gay men tend to focus on. See, Jorge is one of those hip, liberal (mostly) gays…and Mexican (So we call him ME). Scott is a bit conservative (but not always), and jovial…and he grew up a Mormon (So we is called MO). With such opposing perspectives, how do ME and MO agree? They don’t. Not usually…rarely actually. It makes for some interesting conversations though.With that short intro in mind join ME (the one who is always right!) and MO for a few conversations on some randomly drafted topics, based on their dealings with the gay community in Sacramento, CA. Because the gay community in Seattle or Phoenix could be completely different…who knows?

Online Dating v. Traditional

Damn dating apps are everywhere. You use them. We use them. Everyone probably uses them and that is what we are debating today. Are they being used too much and has that ruined how people meet and date?

ME: The problem with gay dating is it’s not like you can just go to church or somewhere and meet guys.

MO: There are some churches that are gay friendly where you could possible meet people. Plus, you can find the local spots where gays tend to congregate, outside of bars, like: Ikea, Whole Foods, the gym even, or sushi.

ME: Name one time you met a guy that wasn’t online?

Scott kissingMO: Kyle wasn’t online.

ME: But you met at a gay bar.

MO: So, it was still in real life. Dave. Robert. And there was Jeff…

ME: You’re a whore. Getting to my point, online dating is killing the romance of meeting someone in a gay bar….or any where else for that matter.

MO: I don’t think I would call gay bars romantic.

ME: That isn’t the point. Even if you are just at a coffee shop or a grocery store, the first thing gay men do now is go on Grindr or Scruff to see if the guy they just saw walking down the vegetable aisle is gay instead of just introducing themselves.

MO: You can’t blame them though. The apps have helped gay men avoid the awkwardness and potential danger of hitting on a homophobic straight guy without knowing it.

ME: Well, if the guy gets offended then he is clearly not cool . The homophobic straight should be flattered. I agree they have helped in a way. However, too many times gay men just use the application to hide behind and look without engaging.

MO: I don’t think guys really hide behind it. I mean, it doesn’t make the process more efficient. You don’t have to go through the often disgusting process of avoiding creepers, you know, those guys at the bar that make you shudder at their very touch? With the apps, you are actually more in control of the process of finding a guy.

ME: But when you are using an application, you are picking and choosing based on a few pictures. The majority of the population still meet through friends and at social functions and it seems like gays are just relying on apps nowadays to find a date. And it’s ruining society! (Laughs)

Grindr

Technology run amok!!

MO: How is it ruining it society.

ME: It is…everyone turns into a whore.

MO: Whorish behavior aside, apps actually provide a great way to meet guys that you would have never met before. Especially if you are bound by routine and only go to a few places, or you are very shy. I see guys that I would never run into and I even have “Pen Pals” across the state and country because of these wonderful apps.

ME: Uh, pen pal isn’t dating. If you wanted a pen pal send a freaking guy in prison a letter. We are discussing DATING!

MO: Yeah, but you never know. A pen pal can become something more. Plus, the more guys you know, the bigger your pool of potential mates!

ME: Because you’re a whore. You just want more guys on your “list.”

MO: Always the same argument with you.

ME: All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t rely on your phones to have romance. You should actually break your routine and try to meet guys out in the real world.

MO: And I’m just saying that the romance can be found after you meet a guy digitally. Meeting a guy is only just a part of the journey. There will be plenty of times to be “in the real world” having romantic moments. Apps haven’t killed romance. They just made the process more efficient.

gay dating app

Gay dating be like…

ME: But we already rely our phones to get to know people: email, text, Facebook…all these digital outlets. Maybe we should leave romance out of the digital world.

MO: Well, that’s what you think.

ME: Yeah, because I’m right!

MO: *rolls eyes*

What do you think? Join the debate and leave a comment about your view of online versus traditional dating!

OITNB: It Was The Change

Vee (Lorraine Toussaint) with her young lover RJ.

The penultimate episode of Orange Is The New Black finally gave us Vee’s (Lorraine Toussaint) flashback.  She has been the storm brewing slowly this whole season. We got tidbits about Vee’s life prior to being in prison in Taystee’s episodes.

In “It Was the Change,” the flashbacks take us to Vee dealing with menopause and sleeping with her protégé who could easily be her grandson. However, Vee takes advantage of young kids and uses them to do her dirty drug business. She is the patriarch, the lioness.

She learns from a dirty cop that her young lover, RJ, is dealing on the side in a different part of town. Like a lioness who is going to lose her spot at the top, she has RJ killed. Vee isn’t one to be messed with and Taystee learns it the hard way. Back in prison, Poussey is drunk and decides to piss off Vee by destroying her drug supply. Because Taystee couldn’t control Poussey, Vee kicks her out of the gang.

In other Litchfield news, there is a storm approaching the prison and emotions are brewing up all over the place.  Piper (Taylor Schilling) tells Morello that she was the first person to be nice to her when Piper arrived. She also confides in her that her family seems relieved she is being transferred father away since they won’t have to visit her on the weekends.

Red (Kate Mulgrew) sends Vee a strong message after the mishap from the previous week. With the women having to spend the night in the cafeteria because the prison has flooded, Red fears not only for her life but also for her AARP gang. Red tries to choke Vee with plastic wrap but fails and makes a truce. Vee, however, does a much better job of taking down Red again knocking her out with a sock full of rocks in Red’s greenhouse.

The prison’s accountant begins to question Figueroa (Alysia Reiner), the warden, about where some of the prison funds are going and she invites him to her husband’s fundraiser. She discovers that her husband has his own secrets when she sees him secretly kissing the campaign assistant guy.

Dayanara tells Bennett he either comes clean about her pregnancy or walk away.  One highlight of this episode was watching Poussey and Taystee reunite their friendship after Vee had separated them.

Highlights and quotes from “Change”:

“It’s like step one, pick a person to kill. Step two, kill that person,” Red.

“Frank? Like a hotdog?” Dayanara to Bennett about their baby’s name.

“Oh man, we have a serious problem in terms of weight, class. You know what I’m saying,” Morello to Red about Vee’s gangs.

“Great, we’ll challenge them to a Sudoku contest,” Gina.

“We’re supposed to be fighting them? ‘Cause that’s the lollipop guild over there,” Hayes about Red’s gang.

“That’s how they get you. Being cool,” Healey about lesbians.

“How does the agenda work? They gay agenda … to take over the world.” Pennsatucky to Big Boo.

“It’s mostly farts,” Aleida to Dayanara about the lack of fresh air.

“You used to be something. You know that Red. You lost your damn mind. And you’re sad. She don’t need to fight you, she already won,” Gloria to Red.

“I feel trapped inside my face,” Angie after eating nutmeg.

“You just tried to strangle me with plastic wrap to sell mascara in jail,” Vee to Red.

Soso has the girls singing Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” as they wait out the storm.