Insides on the Outside


As one door closes an other opens 

Last year I met a guy and we connected for a brief moment. It didn’t work out, however, we said that we’d stay in contact. I texted and called him several times and heard nothing. It hurt that he never replied, not once! Towards the end of 2016 an opportunity arose for me to move away from Sacramento to Los Angeles, which I took (Although recent work developments may change this move).

I could not help but wonder why I had never heard back from this guy. My emotional side conquered my reasoning; I picked up the phone and dialed his number. Certain he wouldn’t answer, I had a messaged prepared. The phone rang and rang and rang and rang, and with every ring, my heart felt a little heavy. It went to voicemail and I left him a message that went along the lines of “You mother fucker why haven’t you returned any of my calls…” Okay, not really. Instead I said something like: “Hi! I’m visiting family and I wanted to catch up with you. Since I haven’t heard from you, I will be at the bar where we first met last year after five. I don’t know if you will show up, but I will be there.”

So with that I made the choice to go to this bar and wait…and feel completely pathetic and revel in my patheticness for all to see. I was 97 % sure that he wouldn’t show up but that 3% error margin made me jump in my car and make the 30 minute drive. I showed up a little after five, ordered a beer, and walked to the back where we’d last hung out. I felt as if all eyes were on me even though not a single person knew why I was there. I sat on a bar stool that gave me a view of the entrance door, and pretended to look at my phone.

It wasn’t busy even though the playoff game between the Chiefs and the Steelers had just started. People slowly trickled into the bar and with every-single squeak of the wooden entrance door I would look up, hoping to see a tall, bearded guy. The door kept letting in customers, more guys kept passing by, but I quietly drank my stout. I sat there looking at the empty seat he once occupied, with folded arms and a smile I could not forget, looking over at me and not saying a word because he was waiting on me to say something.


The empty stool made the loneliness palpable 

My reminiscing was abruptly interrupted when an Asian guy asked me how I was doing. It caught me by surprise and all I could do was nod and smile until I was able to articulate a simple “Yes, I’m good.” The crowd cheered and for a second I thought it was because he had entered the damn building. But no, someone on the screen had scored or something. I wasn’t paying much attention to the game at this point and my glass was half empty.

More guys kept passing by: tall ones, short ones, round ones, white ones, black ones, brown ones. It all felt a little dizzying. Was the stout this strong or was hope and sadness impairing my state of being? I read the names and messages carved on the wooden bench that ran along the window that lead to the back patio and wondered if I should carve a message. A deep and thoughtful one about waiting at a bar for someone who never showed up.

I finished my stout and walked to my car. A bus stopped at the light and I looked at the driver wondering if it was the same one he had waved at a year ago as we crossed the street. I got in my car letting myself cry for a minute, and then pulled it together. As I drove home I was not angry or sad that he never made the movie entrance through the big wooden doors at the very last minute. The moment was not about him; I didn’t realize this then but I went to the to that exact same place to let go of whatever had kept me thinking of him for a year… and to drink a beer.

Moral of the story is…he’s a fucken asshole for not showing up! Or, if you want to get all pensive and shit, sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and expose our insides on the outsides.


My Next Mistake

next mistake

I matched with this cute guy on Tinder. We’ve chatted and it went so well we exchanged digits. I haven’t met him yet, but I already know he’s my next mistake.

I can see the signs already. One, we matched on Tinder. Obviously, this is a mistake! Tinder is a pastime for single people who don’t like to read. This is the equivalent of surfing through magazines and looking at the pictures between the words. He’s probably already moved on to someone else as I write this. Look, squirrel!

Second, he seems to be attracted to me. When we exchanged pictures on our iPhones (it’s getting serious, ya’ll), he said, and I quote, “You are insanely sexy.” So basically, he’s like already in love with me or something. I mean, I know I’m fucken adorbs and shit, but he should really get to know my mind as well before he falls in love with this “absolute hunk” (Again, those are his words, not mine). This is obviously moving too fast. It’s never going to work.

Third, he has shit together. He’s educated and has a good career, which only means he’s complicated. He’s probably going to want me to know what I want out of life. Do I know where I’ll see myself in the next five years? I mean I barely know what to wear each morning, so why complicate my life with goals and ambitions?

Fourth, he’s been responding to my texts and even laughing at my lame attempts for jokes. When I asked if he was a runner he said it was his first love, and then I said, “I thought I was.” And he said, “well that’s a given.” And I was like, “you passed the second test.” And he’s all, “I’m on a roll.” Okay, so maybe not so funny but we have cute banter going on there. Cute banter is hard to find. This basically means it’s going to end soon. He’ll stop responding, and the ghosting period begins.

And finally, I kinda think he’s foxy too. I mean, he called me insanely sexy. How could I not like someone who says that?? I’ll take any compliment I can get at this age! He’s charming, sweet, and cares about saving the environment. Ugh, he cares about the environment. Why can’t he care about money like Trump? He also has a cute smile and can grow a beard. He likes the outdoors and is high energy, all these things I am attracted to. This is a set for future disappointment. We’ll meet; it will be cute and dandy, but then he’ll tell me he doesn’t believe in fighting for love.  #MyNextMistake

Have we become disposable?


Are we like disposable cameras now?

Do you remember those disposal cameras that were really popular in the 90s? You used them once, they were cheap, and they did the trick. They were plastic and they were everywhere: the supermarkets, the convenience stores, the airports, basically at your disposal. Lately, I’ve been thinking, because I think a lot…sometimes too much, that in today’s gay culture we have become like disposal cameras. And here’s why…

I’ve been doing this online ‘dating’ thing for a while and seems that if I don’t give a guy what he wants, he will just move on to the next, and that’s quite alright. If he is looking for quick sex, why shouldn’t he have it? Recently, I “met” (by met, I mean we chatted online) a guy and things were great for a second. We had a connection; we had online-chemistry; we had #feels. We even exchanged numbers…but then two days later, he had ghosted me. He was ignoring my very cute attempts at continuing our conversation (or maybe they weren’t cute, I dunno).

I do know, however, that he wasn’t a ghost because he was back online “looking” a few days later. Yeah, I saw his picture with his very active green dot on his profile! Apparently, he wasn’t into an intelligent and attractive guy like me!  (or so I keep telling myself) My point is that because we have guys at our disposal, just like we have an Uber driver at 2 a.m. in the morning, we have become disposable ourselves. We send woofs, swipe right, send messages and pictures to multiple guys to see which one of them actually responds. There is no focus on just one guy. Even if it is to just hookup, shouldn’t you feel special that this cute guy is choosing you because of how big your heart is, or of whatever quality you may possess, not just because you are .3-miles away? It feels like it’s ADD for online-dating/hookups.


Can you feel special with so many guys online?

I’m sure we’ve all been there where we feel we can’t keep up with all the different guys we communicate with. I caught myself the other day swiping left on every guy on Tinder because I couldn’t decipher which guy was better than the other. How can I decide based on a picture if one guy is better than the other? So I swiped left on all of them. I didn’t really care nor feel that I had the energy to care, and I think this is the reason why it feels like we are disposable. We just don’t care anymore to make one guy feel special.

What do you think? Are we disposable? Or am I reading too much into this and should give up on dating at my age? Leave your comments below.

New dating site offers part-time love

Who’s down to have a part-time relationship? A raise of hands? According to a new website, this is now possible! Maybe you don’t have time to be in a fully committed relationship either because you are focused on your career or you have gone through a messy divorce or just don’t want the responsibilities of a full-time relationship, but the idea of having a companion, part-time that is, is a rather favorable choice to not consume your everyday life. According to the Parttimelove website, a part-time relationship is a “meaningful romance without the everyday commitment.”

I am having a little bit of trouble understanding this concept. Is this like a part-time job where you are only available certain hours during the week and you only put the effort when you have the time for it? Most people would call this part-time relationship a “booty call,” but according to the founder of the website, Helen Croydon who is an author and blogger, says that the ultimate goal is for lasting love, not a casual encounter.

The website states, “[w]e are not a no-strings website. Friends-with-benefits this is not. We are a platform for contented singletons who want to find genuine romance with chemistry, friendship and respect, without the five-times-a-week demands of a conventional relationship.” The site makes it sound as if though being in a relationship is a job.

The site was launched in January and it seems to cater to people in the UK, US and Australia. It doesn’t say how many current members belong to the site.  However, one testimonial says, “I have found a wonderful weekend lover. He asks for nor more and the times we spend together are magical” from “Leah, 38.”

Maybe the idea and intention is unique but I am not sure how it works when feelings begin to develop beyond the physical attraction as the ultimate goal of this site is to have genuine romance. Can you really have part-time feelings for someone? If you are genuinely invested in someone for who they are and how they make you feel, how could it be just a part-time relationship? Feelings for someone aren’t measured in quantity. You either feel for someone or you don’t. And although you may not always be able to spend time with the person because of whatever is going on in your life or their life, your feelings aren’t half-full or half-empty.

I have to admit this type of relationship does sound appealing. On the one side, you are sort of protecting yourself and allowing yourself to be your own person and have your own space without compromising the supposed relationship or your own person. It’s somewhat ideal. It’s the no-fuss, no-muss-type of relationship. But on the other side, part of being in a relationship is being vulnerable. And eventually, one person or even both may want to have a more committed relationship which sort of defeats the purpose of the part-time relationship this site claims to be.

Croydon wanted her site to be for singletons to enjoy a meaningful love affair without sacrificing their existing lifestyles but even if this is the case at a certain point in this part-time relationship you will start to demand something from the other person to either go to certain places whether it be a birthday party or a vacation. I mean part of why you would want to have this part-time lover is not only to cuddle in bed but to also enjoy each other’s company outside the bedroom as well.

Online dating etiquette

Where has all the romance gone from online dating? I remember the days when you would chat endlessly until the wee hours of the night laughing and giggling like innocent children at all the comic and witty comments being exchanged rather rapidly. It was, in a rather unconventional way, a way to get to know someone. I bring this up because today I received a message from someone and when I opened up this message, the first thing I see is a picture of the guy’s asshole and then a ‘hi’. I wasn’t really sure what to respond to that. “Nice asshole,” maybe? I don’t know. And if that wasn’t enough, someone else asked me to rub soap on their ass after we had just exchanged hellos. I wish I could say this is the first time it has happened.  Am I just attracting assholes? (Only the story of my life!)

I am not exactly sure what to think about it either. I am not on a site that is strictly for sex nor am I asking for it. Nothing in my profile says I want to see pictures of a guy’s asshole or any other private part for that matter. I am confused. If I was to be, let’s say at a bar, would someone come up to me, pull down their pants, bend over and show me their asshole and then say hi? Is this the new proper way of introduction now? Am I missing something?

I know with all this increased technology, especially on our phones, where this actually happened, we chat more comfortably and exchange pictures as it they were currency. Privacy doesn’t seem to exist anymore and neither does leaving anything to the imagination. We are in the age of ‘I’ll send you mine if you send me yours.’ We are in such a hurry to know exactly what the other looks like naked that if we were to actually (God forbid) meet then we would know our soon-to-be-lover has a scar on the lower torso or that their ass is far more harrier than their chest. Where is the art of discovering your lover’s body? Yes, I understand that sometimes it’s good to know the mess we are getting into beforehand which might avoid awkward moments, but are we becoming so superficial that we rather know off hand what we look like naked before even meeting? Is this a cultural norm now? Should I be expected to have a naked picture to send if I decide to do this online dating thing? If I was to decide to send my picture to someone then my very white ass body could be floating out there being looked at and desired, of course, by whomever.

The picture of the asshole, literally an asshole, got me thinking of how much online dating has changed. It’s not cute anymore. It’s not fun. Instead of putting a picture of our best smile, now we are putting pictures of our ass or crotch or six-pack abs (which isn’t always bad to look at but whatever) and having to decide whether or not we would talk to this person based on the latter. I get it that by putting salacious pictures will undoubtedly attract a salacious person. I don’t judge people for what they do. We all do it for our own peculiar reasons. What I do, however, mind is seeing someone’s a-hole before even exchanging a nice ‘hello, how are you?’ Although some could just argue that I am just being rather prude and need to get with the new program. I like to think I have some sort of values that I go by. But you could be the judge of that.