Is quantity over quality better?

quality vs quantity

I love tacos. I like eating them…a lot. But sometime eating too many tacos isn’t always a good thing. Maybe eating two tacos is better, than say, eating 10 because then you really get to enjoy and savor the two tacos. My point about the tacos is that maybe quality over quantity is better, right? Okay maybe eating 10 tacos isn’t a bad thing. They are delicious after all! But when it comes to having sexual partners, is quantity over quality better too? Lately, my friends have been calling me the “Born Again Virgin” because, well, I…haven’t…in a while…with anyone. And it hasn’t been for the lack of trying! The last guy I tried performing this thing everyone seems to be doing finished before anything even started, and the one before him told me he was glad we didn’t have sex because he was 95% sure sex would have been amazing and it would have added an extra layer to our relationship, so it was best we didn’t have it. As you can see, I’ve been in a dry spell of sorts – a drought one might call it (like the one California is currently experiencing).

I have never been a fan of casual sex, not because I think it’s shameful to have a large number of sexual partners but because I prefer and enjoy it more with someone that I have a connection with or care about. Gross, I know! And by care and connection, I don’t always mean love. I like sex and I enjoy it in those rare instances that it happens, and I’ve even tried the occasional hookup but I didn’t find it satisfying. This is why my sexual partner list can be counted on both of my hands. Is that a good or a bad thing? My friends tell me that I am missing out. They tell me I shouldn’t be so prude and just do it! With anyone and everyone! I kind of cringe at the idea of sleeping around in order to just have sex.

A friend who is married told me that the best thing he did was sleep around because eventually he found his husband. It worked for him, maybe that’s what I need to do too??? I sometimes wonder if my selectiveness gets in the way of having great sex with random strangers or even landing my future husband. Hey, it worked for my friend. And there is that saying “You Only Live Once.” We are in this world for only a short period of time and we should enjoy it to the maximum. But should I follow the heard and be like everyone else when it comes to quality versus quantity?

Highly selective.gif

In a way, I’ve always felt that my being selective with who I sleep with has made me somewhat of anomaly in the gay culture. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out mostly because the few and in between partners that I have had, sex has been pretty amazing. I’m 95 percent sure of that! I ain’t bragging here! I’m just saying. But maybe my friends have a point. Maybe doing the casual sex thing could allow me to discover someone new.

What is your take on this? Is quantity over quality better? Am I missing out on great causal sex? Leave your thoughts below.

 

 

 

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Just say something Tinder soulmate!

Tinder Meme 2

#StoryOfMyLife

I hate admitting that I, on occasions, several times throughout the day, will log on to tinder and swipe. Yes, I have a serious problem. It’s called being single and bored and living in Sacramento.  I don’t like using Tinder and if there was some sort of weekly support group meeting, I would probably attend…and turn on Tinder to swipe (side note: wouldn’t it be cool if you could actually swipe dudes left or right in real life? Like, you’re just walking down the street and you emphatically swipe right on anyone you find attractive…end of side note)

But what I hate admitting even more is that when I occasionally match with someone, which is really rare since there’s basicalliieee only 10 gay guys in Sacramento using Tinder, I won’t say anything…and they won’t say anything. It’s a whole lot of not saying anything. I look at their pictures and wonder if my potential soulmate will say something charming first like “What are you looking for?” or “How is such a cute guy like yourself single?” Okay, so the latter is only to boost my ego, but most of the time it’s just chirps. It’s like if crickets are running Tinder. And when I occasionally read profiles (because as you know, Tinder isn’t about reading), there are those who complain how no one says anything even with Tinder’s encouraging messages to start a conversation such as “Don’t leave it blank” or “Well you’ve come this far, might as well say something” and my favorite: “It started on Tinder”… I am a repeat offender of the silence, however, if someone does message me, I will respond.

Tinder Meme

Only if you say something!

However, what is bothersome is the silence by both. No one is willing to just say a simple “Hello” or “Cute smile”. You know, conversations starters…I mean, you matched with your potential soulmate or two-week lover why not say something! If you are using Tinder or any other application out there with the same functionalities, why not use it for what it was intended for (meaningless hookups until you meet the love of your life when you both get stood up by your Tinder dates). Is there a reason why we stay silent? By making the first move, does it make us desperate or even less appealing? Is playing the waiting game what we’re supposed to do so we don’t scare away our potential mate? Or have we become so jaded by the lack of response when we do say something???

Whatever the reasons might be, it seems counterproductive. We are, hopefully, mature adults who are able to hold conversations and if you matched, just maybe, maybe you will find a connection by saying a simple “hello.” If you like the guy, just say something! What do we have to lose?

 

 

Don’t Fear the F-Word

Gays

So different, yet so the same. Pic courtesy of Paul Tuller 

Get ready for a can of controversy, because we are going to step into the topic of dating “Fem” guys. We still see on profiles the desire for “masc only” or “no fems”. Just like you, we have your views on the dangers of classification and labels, and what our people are saying about it. Since these labels are not wholly vanquished from our community yet, let’s have a little discussion about them…

ME: So I have a friend who makes comments about how he can’t date “fem” guys. He argues that if he wanted to date a feminine guy, he would just date girls.

MO: Yeah that’s what they all say. I understand that you want a “man” man but if that were the case then are some lesbians you can date who are probably more masculine than your friend.

ME: A good point, but the concern here is that we are discriminating against the “fem” gays.

MO: That’s exactly what your friend is doing. Because he is automatically assuming that anyone who does not fit his definition of a “man” is not worth his attention. Instead he could be evaluating each person based on their individuality rather than preconceived notions based on mannerism because underneath all the flamboyance or “femininity” there could be someone he really clicks with.

ME: We all have a preference and we tend to categorize what we want. There are guys who like feminine guys because of the characteristics they have and then there are those guys who like the more rugged, masculine men because what masculinity represents.

Weight lifter

Enter a caption

MO: It’s not that I don’t agree with the idea of preferences. However, relationships aren’t built on exterior displays they live and fall by the connections of two individuals. Making decisions based on the masc/fem dichotomy is kind of being one dimensional.

I used to be like your friend. I always said I wanted to date a guy who was masculine or “straight acting”. I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy that was feminine. One day, I went out with a guy who looked masculine. We got together and he opened his mouth and that just shattered my perception of him. He’s what some would call “feminine.” He talked like a valley girl and his favorite phrase was “I am a fucken lady!” My first reaction was to run away. I let my guard down because of my physical attraction to him though. He was gorgeous!!!! Girl, he was hella PHINE! (ME rolls his eyes) This allowed me to get to know him as an individual and learn to appreciate him as a whole.

ME: Yeah, it helps when the guy is PHINE. However, sometimes people can’t get past what they initially see. Gay men tend to judge more based on what they see physically.

MO: Can’t or won’t? I won’t say that you are completely wrong about that but I had my teaching moment which showed me that it is possible to have an initial reaction, let go of it, and then dig a little deeper.

ME: Into his pants???

MO: I think the main issue is that the self-proclaimed “masc only” dude will stick to only what he likes and won’t give the “other” a chance, so he misses out on those teaching moments, even if it is just to break down assumptions or prejudices and build understanding.

Preference

Do we limit ourselves with preferences?

ME:  I don’t think its prejudice. I believe it has more to do with being physically attracted to someone. These guys could be friends but aren’t willing to date each other…

MO: We are not talking about appearance.

ME: Yeah we are because there are guys who dress more feminine. They don’t dress like “Bros”. But in the end our community needs to be more about inclusion and unity. Just stop being shady bitches. In the words of Mother RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?

MO: Amen.

This is one of those subjects that relates to our whole community, not just a few here and there. So we want to hear from you: Is ME’s friend being too judgmental? Let us know in the comments.

Do you need porn in a Relationship?

Penis-Size-Lego-Comparison-Thumbnail-Banana-1

We’re just gonna say it: PORN. We watch it; you watch it. No biggie though. Or is it? In a relationship is porn the ultimate aid or just an excuse to stop trying. This isn’t a serious study, just a simple discussion about real sex versus porn!

ME: I don’t see anything wrong with watching porn. It can be healthy, especially when you’ve been in a relationship that seems to be going stale or needs the occasional pick-me-upper. It not only stimulates your imagination with your partner, it also stimulates your penis.

MO: It’s not that it’s bad per se, but I really don’t think porn helps the imagination. It tends to take the creativity away. You watch porn, the sex is up there…unrealistic sex…and you don’t have to really take time to think about how you would spice up your sex life.

ME: I think it’s healthy, when you’re in a long-term relationship to explore, and porn is one way to do so.

MO: So the producers at Gag the Fag are doing that to help out a couple of 20+ years?

ME: I doubt that’s their intent, but it depends on what kind of imagination you’ve got. Some people get into a routine of how they pleasure their partner and maybe gagging someone…(Laugh)…will reignite the fire or choke them to death. Whatever.

Austin Woolf

What’s wrong with looking at him?

MO: Well, there needs to be major comfort if you’re gonna ask your partner to gag you with his cock or maybe shove his fist up your hole. And see, this is what porn does! It takes your own ideas and kicks them out of your head and puts in these unrealistic or extreme situations instead. And all of a sudden, instead of being creative, you’re a Juicy Boys hack.

ME: Would you rather have your partner watch porn by himself?

MO: No, personally I would rather not have porn in my relationship. I want a partner that is willing to tell me his fantasies and explore sex together without inviting in Austin Wolf, as hot as his ass is…Porn just takes away from the present and the real.

ME: No one is saying to watch porn every time you have sex. You use it when you want to explore new things. And I’m NOT talking about gagging your partner or putting a cone up your ass! EW!

MO: Porn is addictive and I’m saying if you have to invite it in to your relationship, you’re not being imaginative it’s like inviting in a third person…

ME: Porn is supplemental. And what’s wrong with a third person?!

Safety Cone

Who uses this in their sex life???

MO: Look at you and your big words! You want to supplement and soon you’re supplanted. Porn just creates a mess of unrealistic expectations. You get into a relationship so you don’t have to look at porn. You have your porn now.

ME: No. You’re wrong.

MO: How am I wrong?

ME: All I said is porn is just an extra. It isn’t gonna dominate your sexual life with your partner. You watch it when you’re feeling the need for a little extra kick.

MO: I think if you want extra kick then how about talking with your partner and coming with something instead of letting Colby Jansen’s hot ass come up with it for you?

ME: You seem to be referencing a lot of porn stars so I’m going to assume you watch a lot of porn, and you’re saying it’s not healthy in a relationship. However, you should be speaking to your partner about watching porn. Say: “hey, why don’t we watch porn tonight to get roused up. And maybe we’ll see something we like.” Cones not included!

MO: I do watch my fair share. But I am single so, it’s a moot point. I do have this one “Friend” that likes to have porn on while we….get “friendly”. I don’t say anything because we aren’t a couple, but when it’s on I wonder if he is watching it or paying attention to what I’m doing to him. And that is my point. It detracts from reality and that isn’t good for a relationship, especially if you’re trying to get it going again.

ME: You’re assuming that there is something wrong with the relationship. Porn can open new possibilities in exploring each other’s bodies, in a way you haven’t done before.

MO: Have you watched porn? It’s all pretty much the same. And that does suggest that a person has no imagination if they have to use porn.

ME: You’re assuming the person doesn’t have imagination.

MO: Um, yes I am. That is my point.

ME: Yes, porn is unrealistic, 90%, no 80% of gay men don’t look like that. Most of us don’t have these big penises or chiseled abs, but the reason we might turn to it is to look at something that is different from us. It doesn’t mean we aren’t physically attracted to our partner. It just means we want to look at someone who is sexy.

MO: Well, in the end I still think it sucks the imagination out of people, so you’re wrong.

ME: Whatever.

Lube and tissue

#SingleForLife

MO: Whatever yourself.

ME: As always, I am right on this one.

Are you #TeamMe, is porn okay in the relationship? Or are you #TeamMo, no porn! Let us know you’re view in the comments!

Who Makes the First Move?

Scott and me

ME and MO

ME is all about letting the other guy make the first move. MO is all for initiating. With a hetero couple it seems a little easier to tell who should initiate, but when the couple is same-sex, who makes the first move?

ME: I never make the first move.

MO: No wonder you’re a born again virgin.

ME: I never make the first move because I’m fucking adorable.

MO: Okay, there are several things wrong with that statement. I’m not saying that you have to make the first move EVERY time, but there are times when it would be beneficial if you actually did. If you never ask someone out then you just slowed down the process of meeting a special someone, or missing that opportunity entirely because you were too proud or shy to make the first move.

ME: Well, maybe it’s them who are missing out, not me. I do encourage guys to make the first move. I give them hints. I know how to flirt…most of the time.

James Franco

Come hither…

MO: After how many drinks?

ME: After 2. I get drunk fairly easy.

MO: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can drop all the hints you want, but that doesn’t always mean someone is gonna pick them up. There are times to be flirty and subtle and then there are times to be bold and direct.

ME: All I’m saying is that I don’t make the first move because I’m shy. I’m not conceited. Just to clarify. And it just so happens that guys make the first move. And if they don’t, I’m fine either way.

MO: So there has been a time when you wanted to go out with a guy but didn’t because you were too shy to ask? And it felt like the he just passed you by.

ME: No.

MO: I bet there was a time when you wish you had made the first move and didn’t.

ME: Sure with Joe what’s his name from Magic Mike, but seriously, there have been cute guys I’ve seen and wanted to flirt with. However, I get too shy.

MO: The thing is, there is a time when you should shake off the shyness and make the first move. It’s like going for a job. There are times when you are gifted with an opportunity and then there are times when you have to go get them! Dating is that way. You gotta put your fears aside and just talk.

ME: So are you saying I am missing out on something by not initiating?

MO: I am saying that there are probably opportunities you have missed because you sat back instead of acting.

ME: So does that mean you are always initiating?

MO: Not always. There are times I am either too shy or am just fed up with doing all the chasing, so I sit back and see if the bait catches any fishes. But if I see a guy I am really into or curious about, I do take the time to start things off because I would rather have an “Oh Well” moment than a “What if” moment.

ME: But I don’t think or worry about the “Oh well” or “What ifs”. If he isn’t willing to try when I’m there then it’s not worth thinking about.

MO And if you are okay with that fine, but just remember that if you keep doing the same thing you will always have the same results. At some point, you may find that you will need to initiate and it’s good to practice, especially since you are a shy guy.

ME: But you make it sound like I’m complaining about it. I’m not. I’m just saying I don’t.

me-halo

ME adorable as usual

MO: No, I know you aren’t complaining. Just letting you know that life could be a bit more colorful and you could have more stories to share if you just stepped outside your shy, little box now and again.

ME: But I’m adorable…….and you’re a whore.

MO: That’s fine. Whatever you say.

What about you guys? Do you agree with ME or are you Mo? Let us know in the comments if ME should change his way of thinking.

Putting Out on the First Date

C'mon, would you really tell THIS guy no? If you say, you're lying to yourself.
C’mon, would you really tell THIS guy no? If you say yes, you’re lying to yourself.

ME may be more liberal when it comes to social issues, but in the bedroom he tends to be shy. MO, however, has no qualms with sex on the first date. ME and MO are going to dive into the topic of putting out on the first date: good idea or too soon?

ME: So I would like to say that I have never slept with anyone on the first date!

ST. ME over here.
ST. ME over here.

MO: Wait, like never, ever?

ME: Yes, never. I have never put out on the first date. I just believe that you should try to get to know someone a little before sleeping with them. You have to see if there is a vibe or chemistry there.

MO: And that isn’t possible on the first date?

ME: Well, not that it’s impossible. But what is the likelihood of something real spawning from putting out on the first date? I’m just classy never trashy.

MO: Sooo, guys who do put out are trashy?

ME: Well, are you going out to just have sex or are you going out to actually get to know the person. What is the purpose of your outing?

MO: Sometimes we start with the intent to get to know someone and then stuff just happens. Maybe you hit it off really well and you start fooling around and. And that doesn’t always mean that getting to know someone is off the table.

ME: But sleeping with someone on the first meeting, doesn’t that kill the incentive to keep going out? Because what else are going to get to know about him? It seems that if you sleep with a guy the first time guys tend to lose interest.

MO: Like he got the milk for free, why would he want to keep the cow?

ME: If your intent to is to actually date someone, shouldn’t you want to wait and get to know his personality? Wouldn’t the sex then be more intense?

MO: Well, it’s been my experience that putting out on the first date doesn’t always mean the end of dating. I’ve gone out with guys and we had sex on the first date, but then we kept going out.

ME: But did it develop into anything?

MO: It did once. So like a 5% success rate. But it’s not necessarily the sex that killed it.

Graphs is science, so....yeah.
Graphs is science, so….yeah.

ME: Maybe you should define why it’s okay?

MO: I think it’s fine because it feels good! If the chemistry and connection is there, then it’s not necessarily wrong and there’s no point in delaying the inevitable. If the connection is genuine then having sex on the first date will not lead to diminished interest.

ME: It could kill the potential to further the relationship because you know the guy physically. And it seems if you start this way, you tend to lose interest in actually getting to know the guy even more.

MO: And I am disagreeing with you, as usual. It’s not universally true. Sex on the first date doesn’t necessarily kill that potential. Who’s to say that having it on the fourth date doesn’t do the same. Either way, a relationship isn’t guaranteed. Sex on the first date is not the deciding factor and if it is, then that is the wrong guy to be with.

Hey, God said it not me.
Hey, God said it not me.

ME: You’re a whore.

ME: 20 dates does not guarantee a relationship. What I am saying is that sleeping with someone from the get-go is killing the potential for romance. If you sleep with a guy on the first date, then you already know you won’t have to try very hard to impress the person. Why try when you’re a whore?!

MO: Just because you haven’t had sex in like ten years, don’t be bitter. And plus, it seems like you made a point FOR putting out on the first date. Put out on the first date and if it goes well, you like it, they stick around then twenty dates wouldn’t be such a waste of time. But if you go on all these dates, then sleep with someone and you don’t like it or that person then takes off…well, you just wasted hella time and effort.

What do you think? Is ME is always right? Should you wait to see if there is romance or is putting out on the first date kosher?

Online v. Traditional Dating

Scott and me

Left to right: ME, MO. They look so innocent.

From the minds that brought you “Mean Gays”…a new series that dives into the real “important” stuff gay men tend to focus on. See, Jorge is one of those hip, liberal (mostly) gays…and Mexican (So we call him ME). Scott is a bit conservative (but not always), and jovial…and he grew up a Mormon (So we is called MO). With such opposing perspectives, how do ME and MO agree? They don’t. Not usually…rarely actually. It makes for some interesting conversations though.With that short intro in mind join ME (the one who is always right!) and MO for a few conversations on some randomly drafted topics, based on their dealings with the gay community in Sacramento, CA. Because the gay community in Seattle or Phoenix could be completely different…who knows?

Online Dating v. Traditional

Damn dating apps are everywhere. You use them. We use them. Everyone probably uses them and that is what we are debating today. Are they being used too much and has that ruined how people meet and date?

ME: The problem with gay dating is it’s not like you can just go to church or somewhere and meet guys.

MO: There are some churches that are gay friendly where you could possible meet people. Plus, you can find the local spots where gays tend to congregate, outside of bars, like: Ikea, Whole Foods, the gym even, or sushi.

ME: Name one time you met a guy that wasn’t online?

Scott kissingMO: Kyle wasn’t online.

ME: But you met at a gay bar.

MO: So, it was still in real life. Dave. Robert. And there was Jeff…

ME: You’re a whore. Getting to my point, online dating is killing the romance of meeting someone in a gay bar….or any where else for that matter.

MO: I don’t think I would call gay bars romantic.

ME: That isn’t the point. Even if you are just at a coffee shop or a grocery store, the first thing gay men do now is go on Grindr or Scruff to see if the guy they just saw walking down the vegetable aisle is gay instead of just introducing themselves.

MO: You can’t blame them though. The apps have helped gay men avoid the awkwardness and potential danger of hitting on a homophobic straight guy without knowing it.

ME: Well, if the guy gets offended then he is clearly not cool . The homophobic straight should be flattered. I agree they have helped in a way. However, too many times gay men just use the application to hide behind and look without engaging.

MO: I don’t think guys really hide behind it. I mean, it doesn’t make the process more efficient. You don’t have to go through the often disgusting process of avoiding creepers, you know, those guys at the bar that make you shudder at their very touch? With the apps, you are actually more in control of the process of finding a guy.

ME: But when you are using an application, you are picking and choosing based on a few pictures. The majority of the population still meet through friends and at social functions and it seems like gays are just relying on apps nowadays to find a date. And it’s ruining society! (Laughs)

Grindr

Technology run amok!!

MO: How is it ruining it society.

ME: It is…everyone turns into a whore.

MO: Whorish behavior aside, apps actually provide a great way to meet guys that you would have never met before. Especially if you are bound by routine and only go to a few places, or you are very shy. I see guys that I would never run into and I even have “Pen Pals” across the state and country because of these wonderful apps.

ME: Uh, pen pal isn’t dating. If you wanted a pen pal send a freaking guy in prison a letter. We are discussing DATING!

MO: Yeah, but you never know. A pen pal can become something more. Plus, the more guys you know, the bigger your pool of potential mates!

ME: Because you’re a whore. You just want more guys on your “list.”

MO: Always the same argument with you.

ME: All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t rely on your phones to have romance. You should actually break your routine and try to meet guys out in the real world.

MO: And I’m just saying that the romance can be found after you meet a guy digitally. Meeting a guy is only just a part of the journey. There will be plenty of times to be “in the real world” having romantic moments. Apps haven’t killed romance. They just made the process more efficient.

gay dating app

Gay dating be like…

ME: But we already rely our phones to get to know people: email, text, Facebook…all these digital outlets. Maybe we should leave romance out of the digital world.

MO: Well, that’s what you think.

ME: Yeah, because I’m right!

MO: *rolls eyes*

What do you think? Join the debate and leave a comment about your view of online versus traditional dating!