My Next Mistake

next mistake

I matched with this cute guy on Tinder. We’ve chatted and it went so well we exchanged digits. I haven’t met him yet, but I already know he’s my next mistake.

I can see the signs already. One, we matched on Tinder. Obviously, this is a mistake! Tinder is a pastime for single people who don’t like to read. This is the equivalent of surfing through magazines and looking at the pictures between the words. He’s probably already moved on to someone else as I write this. Look, squirrel!

Second, he seems to be attracted to me. When we exchanged pictures on our iPhones (it’s getting serious, ya’ll), he said, and I quote, “You are insanely sexy.” So basically, he’s like already in love with me or something. I mean, I know I’m fucken adorbs and shit, but he should really get to know my mind as well before he falls in love with this “absolute hunk” (Again, those are his words, not mine). This is obviously moving too fast. It’s never going to work.

Third, he has shit together. He’s educated and has a good career, which only means he’s complicated. He’s probably going to want me to know what I want out of life. Do I know where I’ll see myself in the next five years? I mean I barely know what to wear each morning, so why complicate my life with goals and ambitions?

Fourth, he’s been responding to my texts and even laughing at my lame attempts for jokes. When I asked if he was a runner he said it was his first love, and then I said, “I thought I was.” And he said, “well that’s a given.” And I was like, “you passed the second test.” And he’s all, “I’m on a roll.” Okay, so maybe not so funny but we have cute banter going on there. Cute banter is hard to find. This basically means it’s going to end soon. He’ll stop responding, and the ghosting period begins.

And finally, I kinda think he’s foxy too. I mean, he called me insanely sexy. How could I not like someone who says that?? I’ll take any compliment I can get at this age! He’s charming, sweet, and cares about saving the environment. Ugh, he cares about the environment. Why can’t he care about money like Trump? He also has a cute smile and can grow a beard. He likes the outdoors and is high energy, all these things I am attracted to. This is a set for future disappointment. We’ll meet; it will be cute and dandy, but then he’ll tell me he doesn’t believe in fighting for love.  #MyNextMistake

Have we become disposable?

camera

Are we like disposable cameras now?

Do you remember those disposal cameras that were really popular in the 90s? You used them once, they were cheap, and they did the trick. They were plastic and they were everywhere: the supermarkets, the convenience stores, the airports, basically at your disposal. Lately, I’ve been thinking, because I think a lot…sometimes too much, that in today’s gay culture we have become like disposal cameras. And here’s why…

I’ve been doing this online ‘dating’ thing for a while and seems that if I don’t give a guy what he wants, he will just move on to the next, and that’s quite alright. If he is looking for quick sex, why shouldn’t he have it? Recently, I “met” (by met, I mean we chatted online) a guy and things were great for a second. We had a connection; we had online-chemistry; we had #feels. We even exchanged numbers…but then two days later, he had ghosted me. He was ignoring my very cute attempts at continuing our conversation (or maybe they weren’t cute, I dunno).

I do know, however, that he wasn’t a ghost because he was back online “looking” a few days later. Yeah, I saw his picture with his very active green dot on his profile! Apparently, he wasn’t into an intelligent and attractive guy like me!  (or so I keep telling myself) My point is that because we have guys at our disposal, just like we have an Uber driver at 2 a.m. in the morning, we have become disposable ourselves. We send woofs, swipe right, send messages and pictures to multiple guys to see which one of them actually responds. There is no focus on just one guy. Even if it is to just hookup, shouldn’t you feel special that this cute guy is choosing you because of how big your heart is, or of whatever quality you may possess, not just because you are .3-miles away? It feels like it’s ADD for online-dating/hookups.

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Can you feel special with so many guys online?

I’m sure we’ve all been there where we feel we can’t keep up with all the different guys we communicate with. I caught myself the other day swiping left on every guy on Tinder because I couldn’t decipher which guy was better than the other. How can I decide based on a picture if one guy is better than the other? So I swiped left on all of them. I didn’t really care nor feel that I had the energy to care, and I think this is the reason why it feels like we are disposable. We just don’t care anymore to make one guy feel special.

What do you think? Are we disposable? Or am I reading too much into this and should give up on dating at my age? Leave your comments below.

Is quantity over quality better?

quality vs quantity

I love tacos. I like eating them…a lot. But sometime eating too many tacos isn’t always a good thing. Maybe eating two tacos is better, than say, eating 10 because then you really get to enjoy and savor the two tacos. My point about the tacos is that maybe quality over quantity is better, right? Okay maybe eating 10 tacos isn’t a bad thing. They are delicious after all! But when it comes to having sexual partners, is quantity over quality better too? Lately, my friends have been calling me the “Born Again Virgin” because, well, I…haven’t…in a while…with anyone. And it hasn’t been for the lack of trying! The last guy I tried performing this thing everyone seems to be doing finished before anything even started, and the one before him told me he was glad we didn’t have sex because he was 95% sure sex would have been amazing and it would have added an extra layer to our relationship, so it was best we didn’t have it. As you can see, I’ve been in a dry spell of sorts – a drought one might call it (like the one California is currently experiencing).

I have never been a fan of casual sex, not because I think it’s shameful to have a large number of sexual partners but because I prefer and enjoy it more with someone that I have a connection with or care about. Gross, I know! And by care and connection, I don’t always mean love. I like sex and I enjoy it in those rare instances that it happens, and I’ve even tried the occasional hookup but I didn’t find it satisfying. This is why my sexual partner list can be counted on both of my hands. Is that a good or a bad thing? My friends tell me that I am missing out. They tell me I shouldn’t be so prude and just do it! With anyone and everyone! I kind of cringe at the idea of sleeping around in order to just have sex.

A friend who is married told me that the best thing he did was sleep around because eventually he found his husband. It worked for him, maybe that’s what I need to do too??? I sometimes wonder if my selectiveness gets in the way of having great sex with random strangers or even landing my future husband. Hey, it worked for my friend. And there is that saying “You Only Live Once.” We are in this world for only a short period of time and we should enjoy it to the maximum. But should I follow the heard and be like everyone else when it comes to quality versus quantity?

Highly selective.gif

In a way, I’ve always felt that my being selective with who I sleep with has made me somewhat of anomaly in the gay culture. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out mostly because the few and in between partners that I have had, sex has been pretty amazing. I’m 95 percent sure of that! I ain’t bragging here! I’m just saying. But maybe my friends have a point. Maybe doing the casual sex thing could allow me to discover someone new.

What is your take on this? Is quantity over quality better? Am I missing out on great causal sex? Leave your thoughts below.

 

 

 

Just say something Tinder soulmate!

Tinder Meme 2

#StoryOfMyLife

I hate admitting that I, on occasions, several times throughout the day, will log on to tinder and swipe. Yes, I have a serious problem. It’s called being single and bored and living in Sacramento.  I don’t like using Tinder and if there was some sort of weekly support group meeting, I would probably attend…and turn on Tinder to swipe (side note: wouldn’t it be cool if you could actually swipe dudes left or right in real life? Like, you’re just walking down the street and you emphatically swipe right on anyone you find attractive…end of side note)

But what I hate admitting even more is that when I occasionally match with someone, which is really rare since there’s basicalliieee only 10 gay guys in Sacramento using Tinder, I won’t say anything…and they won’t say anything. It’s a whole lot of not saying anything. I look at their pictures and wonder if my potential soulmate will say something charming first like “What are you looking for?” or “How is such a cute guy like yourself single?” Okay, so the latter is only to boost my ego, but most of the time it’s just chirps. It’s like if crickets are running Tinder. And when I occasionally read profiles (because as you know, Tinder isn’t about reading), there are those who complain how no one says anything even with Tinder’s encouraging messages to start a conversation such as “Don’t leave it blank” or “Well you’ve come this far, might as well say something” and my favorite: “It started on Tinder”… I am a repeat offender of the silence, however, if someone does message me, I will respond.

Tinder Meme

Only if you say something!

However, what is bothersome is the silence by both. No one is willing to just say a simple “Hello” or “Cute smile”. You know, conversations starters…I mean, you matched with your potential soulmate or two-week lover why not say something! If you are using Tinder or any other application out there with the same functionalities, why not use it for what it was intended for (meaningless hookups until you meet the love of your life when you both get stood up by your Tinder dates). Is there a reason why we stay silent? By making the first move, does it make us desperate or even less appealing? Is playing the waiting game what we’re supposed to do so we don’t scare away our potential mate? Or have we become so jaded by the lack of response when we do say something???

Whatever the reasons might be, it seems counterproductive. We are, hopefully, mature adults who are able to hold conversations and if you matched, just maybe, maybe you will find a connection by saying a simple “hello.” If you like the guy, just say something! What do we have to lose?

 

 

Going the Distance

 

going the distance

I had the pleasure of meeting a really nice guy a couple of weeks ago. We met online as most gay men do. What was different for me this time around is instead of doing the usual texting game, we had long conversations over the phone, which I found somewhat unique or maybe the right word is retro. (Do people actually talk on the phone anymore?)

A week after talking for hours over the phone every night, we met for a drink. He called me awkward and guarded, which I found weirdly refreshing that someone called me out on my shit. We ended up making out in his car. I felt like I was in high school again making out in the car with a guy. Actually, I never made out with any guys in high school, which has no significance to this story…We continued to talk over the phone for a week. We talked about family, life and his past, things he said he never really talked about with other guys but felt he could with me.

We met again. The chemistry was palpable. He came over to my place and we laid in my bed and snuggled and even napped for a bit. Who does that the second time you meet someone, right? It felt really natural and comfortable which is usually hard for me after only meeting twice. I guess our talks over the phone allowed me to let my guard down as he called it.

After the nap, we had lunch and came back to my place where we laid in bed again and talked and laughed and cuddled some more. It was all very innocent and disgustingly cute. There was even a moment where we were staring into each other’s eyes (I know, gross!), and I knew he cared and I knew he was going to be trouble. Whether this was a good or bad kind of trouble, I wasn’t exactly sure at that very moment. For two gay men, who are into each other, and to just lay in bed, is kind of unheard of. Don’t get me wrong, we both wanted something to happen but unfortunately he couldn’t spend the night. Prior to our hanging out, he told me he wouldn’t be able to stay because of a commitment he had the next day with his church. I respected that.

With all this said, I’m leaving out a very important detail in this story. I live in Sacramento and he lives two hours away. The town he lives in has no importance just that it’s two hours away. Not the ideal situation when you like someone, however, two hours is nothing compared to a 10 hour flight to go visit your boyfriend who lives in another continent (Yes, I experienced this before!). So for me a two hour drive to his town seemed like walk in the park especially when we liked each other. Maybe I am just a romantic or maybe just desperate and wanted sex. It’s a blurry line, really.

LDR meme

Unfortunately for him, two hours was significant. The day after spending time together and realizing we had a connection that went beyond just physical attraction, we had a conversation and the distance or as he called it, the elephant in the room, was brought up. He said the distance was going to be an issue for him. He wanted to have the option to be able to see me everyday or spend the night or watch a movie at any given moment. All valid points I will admit. These long distance relationships are not easy. You need a lot of patience and more importantly, you need a lot of love for it to be worth it. And then he said something that threw me off. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and that he didn’t believe in fighting for love or to be fought for. I agree, you should never have to fight for love. Love is not something you fight for. You either feel it or you don’t. We didn’t have love, we had only known each other for 2 weeks; however, we were starting to feel something. Why would he call at 6 in the morning just to say hi or get excited when I told him I had a nickname for him.

Going the Distance 2

I am not exactly sure what got into his head. Maybe he got scared or whatever he was feeling became too real. But I believe that going the distance is worth it when you feel something. Life is too short to let an opportunity pass by. I understand the distance can and is an issue as it was for him, but if you never give it a shot, how will you ever know what you could experience? Is it best to stop early before feelings become too deep? Did he do what was best for himself or was his reaction what is best for the both of us? Was he trying to spare our feelings from getting hurt in the long run? What’s your take on this? Are long distance relationships ever worth the trouble?

 

Don’t Fear the F-Word

Gays

So different, yet so the same. Pic courtesy of Paul Tuller 

Get ready for a can of controversy, because we are going to step into the topic of dating “Fem” guys. We still see on profiles the desire for “masc only” or “no fems”. Just like you, we have your views on the dangers of classification and labels, and what our people are saying about it. Since these labels are not wholly vanquished from our community yet, let’s have a little discussion about them…

ME: So I have a friend who makes comments about how he can’t date “fem” guys. He argues that if he wanted to date a feminine guy, he would just date girls.

MO: Yeah that’s what they all say. I understand that you want a “man” man but if that were the case then are some lesbians you can date who are probably more masculine than your friend.

ME: A good point, but the concern here is that we are discriminating against the “fem” gays.

MO: That’s exactly what your friend is doing. Because he is automatically assuming that anyone who does not fit his definition of a “man” is not worth his attention. Instead he could be evaluating each person based on their individuality rather than preconceived notions based on mannerism because underneath all the flamboyance or “femininity” there could be someone he really clicks with.

ME: We all have a preference and we tend to categorize what we want. There are guys who like feminine guys because of the characteristics they have and then there are those guys who like the more rugged, masculine men because what masculinity represents.

Weight lifter

Enter a caption

MO: It’s not that I don’t agree with the idea of preferences. However, relationships aren’t built on exterior displays they live and fall by the connections of two individuals. Making decisions based on the masc/fem dichotomy is kind of being one dimensional.

I used to be like your friend. I always said I wanted to date a guy who was masculine or “straight acting”. I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy that was feminine. One day, I went out with a guy who looked masculine. We got together and he opened his mouth and that just shattered my perception of him. He’s what some would call “feminine.” He talked like a valley girl and his favorite phrase was “I am a fucken lady!” My first reaction was to run away. I let my guard down because of my physical attraction to him though. He was gorgeous!!!! Girl, he was hella PHINE! (ME rolls his eyes) This allowed me to get to know him as an individual and learn to appreciate him as a whole.

ME: Yeah, it helps when the guy is PHINE. However, sometimes people can’t get past what they initially see. Gay men tend to judge more based on what they see physically.

MO: Can’t or won’t? I won’t say that you are completely wrong about that but I had my teaching moment which showed me that it is possible to have an initial reaction, let go of it, and then dig a little deeper.

ME: Into his pants???

MO: I think the main issue is that the self-proclaimed “masc only” dude will stick to only what he likes and won’t give the “other” a chance, so he misses out on those teaching moments, even if it is just to break down assumptions or prejudices and build understanding.

Preference

Do we limit ourselves with preferences?

ME:  I don’t think its prejudice. I believe it has more to do with being physically attracted to someone. These guys could be friends but aren’t willing to date each other…

MO: We are not talking about appearance.

ME: Yeah we are because there are guys who dress more feminine. They don’t dress like “Bros”. But in the end our community needs to be more about inclusion and unity. Just stop being shady bitches. In the words of Mother RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?

MO: Amen.

This is one of those subjects that relates to our whole community, not just a few here and there. So we want to hear from you: Is ME’s friend being too judgmental? Let us know in the comments.

Do you need porn in a Relationship?

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We’re just gonna say it: PORN. We watch it; you watch it. No biggie though. Or is it? In a relationship is porn the ultimate aid or just an excuse to stop trying. This isn’t a serious study, just a simple discussion about real sex versus porn!

ME: I don’t see anything wrong with watching porn. It can be healthy, especially when you’ve been in a relationship that seems to be going stale or needs the occasional pick-me-upper. It not only stimulates your imagination with your partner, it also stimulates your penis.

MO: It’s not that it’s bad per se, but I really don’t think porn helps the imagination. It tends to take the creativity away. You watch porn, the sex is up there…unrealistic sex…and you don’t have to really take time to think about how you would spice up your sex life.

ME: I think it’s healthy, when you’re in a long-term relationship to explore, and porn is one way to do so.

MO: So the producers at Gag the Fag are doing that to help out a couple of 20+ years?

ME: I doubt that’s their intent, but it depends on what kind of imagination you’ve got. Some people get into a routine of how they pleasure their partner and maybe gagging someone…(Laugh)…will reignite the fire or choke them to death. Whatever.

Austin Woolf

What’s wrong with looking at him?

MO: Well, there needs to be major comfort if you’re gonna ask your partner to gag you with his cock or maybe shove his fist up your hole. And see, this is what porn does! It takes your own ideas and kicks them out of your head and puts in these unrealistic or extreme situations instead. And all of a sudden, instead of being creative, you’re a Juicy Boys hack.

ME: Would you rather have your partner watch porn by himself?

MO: No, personally I would rather not have porn in my relationship. I want a partner that is willing to tell me his fantasies and explore sex together without inviting in Austin Wolf, as hot as his ass is…Porn just takes away from the present and the real.

ME: No one is saying to watch porn every time you have sex. You use it when you want to explore new things. And I’m NOT talking about gagging your partner or putting a cone up your ass! EW!

MO: Porn is addictive and I’m saying if you have to invite it in to your relationship, you’re not being imaginative it’s like inviting in a third person…

ME: Porn is supplemental. And what’s wrong with a third person?!

Safety Cone

Who uses this in their sex life???

MO: Look at you and your big words! You want to supplement and soon you’re supplanted. Porn just creates a mess of unrealistic expectations. You get into a relationship so you don’t have to look at porn. You have your porn now.

ME: No. You’re wrong.

MO: How am I wrong?

ME: All I said is porn is just an extra. It isn’t gonna dominate your sexual life with your partner. You watch it when you’re feeling the need for a little extra kick.

MO: I think if you want extra kick then how about talking with your partner and coming with something instead of letting Colby Jansen’s hot ass come up with it for you?

ME: You seem to be referencing a lot of porn stars so I’m going to assume you watch a lot of porn, and you’re saying it’s not healthy in a relationship. However, you should be speaking to your partner about watching porn. Say: “hey, why don’t we watch porn tonight to get roused up. And maybe we’ll see something we like.” Cones not included!

MO: I do watch my fair share. But I am single so, it’s a moot point. I do have this one “Friend” that likes to have porn on while we….get “friendly”. I don’t say anything because we aren’t a couple, but when it’s on I wonder if he is watching it or paying attention to what I’m doing to him. And that is my point. It detracts from reality and that isn’t good for a relationship, especially if you’re trying to get it going again.

ME: You’re assuming that there is something wrong with the relationship. Porn can open new possibilities in exploring each other’s bodies, in a way you haven’t done before.

MO: Have you watched porn? It’s all pretty much the same. And that does suggest that a person has no imagination if they have to use porn.

ME: You’re assuming the person doesn’t have imagination.

MO: Um, yes I am. That is my point.

ME: Yes, porn is unrealistic, 90%, no 80% of gay men don’t look like that. Most of us don’t have these big penises or chiseled abs, but the reason we might turn to it is to look at something that is different from us. It doesn’t mean we aren’t physically attracted to our partner. It just means we want to look at someone who is sexy.

MO: Well, in the end I still think it sucks the imagination out of people, so you’re wrong.

ME: Whatever.

Lube and tissue

#SingleForLife

MO: Whatever yourself.

ME: As always, I am right on this one.

Are you #TeamMe, is porn okay in the relationship? Or are you #TeamMo, no porn! Let us know you’re view in the comments!