The Temporary Object of His Affection

It’s always great when someone makes you feel sexy. Like when you catch a stranger checking you out while you ride your bike, or when a guy from your gym unexpectedly “woofs” at you through a phone app. It’s totally sexy! And a great boost to our self-confidence.

It kind of feels like a drug and you walk around like “I got it going on!” Yes, no one says this but old people. I’m old! – which is why when someone finds you attractive at 38, you’re like yaaasssss!

So when this guy from the gym asked me out for dinner, I didn’t really want to go on a ‘date’ but he insisted that he wanted to do something nice for me. I had been going through a rough patch and he wanted to cheer me up. I was like, “ok”.

He took me to this ‘trendy’ spot for dinner and we chatted and laughed. It was delightful. He was very attentive and complimentary. He told me I had such a great soul and how sexy I was. I was like “hehehe” – all coy and shit. Then he suggested that we go to his place and watch a something on TV. I knew what that meant. But I wanted to make-out – I had been going through a rough patch!

He continued to be charming the whole time we were together and it threw me off. Was he into me or was he just trying to get into my pants? Either way, it was working. The pants flew off. The next day he was still very nice. I didn’t have to use Lyft to get home. He drove and bought me coffee. I was like oh! Maybe he does like me.

ChismeWhen I got home, like a 16-year old girl, I text a friend and told her the good news! The dry spell was over! We met for the chisme. After chismeando, I walked home and I ran into him at a coffee shop, and he was sitting there with a guy (probably his butt buddy). We said “Hi” to each other and I continued home. He texted me later and said it was a delight to see me again and that he loved my sunglasses.

gaspI texted him back hours later (I didn’t want to seem desperate texting right away!) and told him I had fun too and that we should hang out again soon. He texted me back saying he was very busy and that he was still working on himself…WTF?! I had gotten the brush off!  And had just been used! For sex! I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, maybe a lover, but not a lifetime commitment here.

After that text, I started to wonder. Was it me? Did I come off too strong as wanting more? Or was I just terrible in bed? God, I hope I wasn’t terrible in bed. I mean it’s always off the first time you have sex with someone new, right? Right?? Then I thought about it, he used me for sex because he found me attractive. This was a compliment! I was the temporary object of his affection. It was sexy…in a sort of degrading type-of-way. Instead of wondering why he didn’t want to see me again, I took this adventure to boost my self-confidence because I still had it going on!

Boom

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Don’t Fear the F-Word

Gays

So different, yet so the same. Pic courtesy of Paul Tuller 

Get ready for a can of controversy, because we are going to step into the topic of dating “Fem” guys. We still see on profiles the desire for “masc only” or “no fems”. Just like you, we have your views on the dangers of classification and labels, and what our people are saying about it. Since these labels are not wholly vanquished from our community yet, let’s have a little discussion about them…

ME: So I have a friend who makes comments about how he can’t date “fem” guys. He argues that if he wanted to date a feminine guy, he would just date girls.

MO: Yeah that’s what they all say. I understand that you want a “man” man but if that were the case then are some lesbians you can date who are probably more masculine than your friend.

ME: A good point, but the concern here is that we are discriminating against the “fem” gays.

MO: That’s exactly what your friend is doing. Because he is automatically assuming that anyone who does not fit his definition of a “man” is not worth his attention. Instead he could be evaluating each person based on their individuality rather than preconceived notions based on mannerism because underneath all the flamboyance or “femininity” there could be someone he really clicks with.

ME: We all have a preference and we tend to categorize what we want. There are guys who like feminine guys because of the characteristics they have and then there are those guys who like the more rugged, masculine men because what masculinity represents.

Weight lifter

Enter a caption

MO: It’s not that I don’t agree with the idea of preferences. However, relationships aren’t built on exterior displays they live and fall by the connections of two individuals. Making decisions based on the masc/fem dichotomy is kind of being one dimensional.

I used to be like your friend. I always said I wanted to date a guy who was masculine or “straight acting”. I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy that was feminine. One day, I went out with a guy who looked masculine. We got together and he opened his mouth and that just shattered my perception of him. He’s what some would call “feminine.” He talked like a valley girl and his favorite phrase was “I am a fucken lady!” My first reaction was to run away. I let my guard down because of my physical attraction to him though. He was gorgeous!!!! Girl, he was hella PHINE! (ME rolls his eyes) This allowed me to get to know him as an individual and learn to appreciate him as a whole.

ME: Yeah, it helps when the guy is PHINE. However, sometimes people can’t get past what they initially see. Gay men tend to judge more based on what they see physically.

MO: Can’t or won’t? I won’t say that you are completely wrong about that but I had my teaching moment which showed me that it is possible to have an initial reaction, let go of it, and then dig a little deeper.

ME: Into his pants???

MO: I think the main issue is that the self-proclaimed “masc only” dude will stick to only what he likes and won’t give the “other” a chance, so he misses out on those teaching moments, even if it is just to break down assumptions or prejudices and build understanding.

Preference

Do we limit ourselves with preferences?

ME:  I don’t think its prejudice. I believe it has more to do with being physically attracted to someone. These guys could be friends but aren’t willing to date each other…

MO: We are not talking about appearance.

ME: Yeah we are because there are guys who dress more feminine. They don’t dress like “Bros”. But in the end our community needs to be more about inclusion and unity. Just stop being shady bitches. In the words of Mother RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?

MO: Amen.

This is one of those subjects that relates to our whole community, not just a few here and there. So we want to hear from you: Is ME’s friend being too judgmental? Let us know in the comments.

Do you need porn in a Relationship?

Penis-Size-Lego-Comparison-Thumbnail-Banana-1

We’re just gonna say it: PORN. We watch it; you watch it. No biggie though. Or is it? In a relationship is porn the ultimate aid or just an excuse to stop trying. This isn’t a serious study, just a simple discussion about real sex versus porn!

ME: I don’t see anything wrong with watching porn. It can be healthy, especially when you’ve been in a relationship that seems to be going stale or needs the occasional pick-me-upper. It not only stimulates your imagination with your partner, it also stimulates your penis.

MO: It’s not that it’s bad per se, but I really don’t think porn helps the imagination. It tends to take the creativity away. You watch porn, the sex is up there…unrealistic sex…and you don’t have to really take time to think about how you would spice up your sex life.

ME: I think it’s healthy, when you’re in a long-term relationship to explore, and porn is one way to do so.

MO: So the producers at Gag the Fag are doing that to help out a couple of 20+ years?

ME: I doubt that’s their intent, but it depends on what kind of imagination you’ve got. Some people get into a routine of how they pleasure their partner and maybe gagging someone…(Laugh)…will reignite the fire or choke them to death. Whatever.

Austin Woolf

What’s wrong with looking at him?

MO: Well, there needs to be major comfort if you’re gonna ask your partner to gag you with his cock or maybe shove his fist up your hole. And see, this is what porn does! It takes your own ideas and kicks them out of your head and puts in these unrealistic or extreme situations instead. And all of a sudden, instead of being creative, you’re a Juicy Boys hack.

ME: Would you rather have your partner watch porn by himself?

MO: No, personally I would rather not have porn in my relationship. I want a partner that is willing to tell me his fantasies and explore sex together without inviting in Austin Wolf, as hot as his ass is…Porn just takes away from the present and the real.

ME: No one is saying to watch porn every time you have sex. You use it when you want to explore new things. And I’m NOT talking about gagging your partner or putting a cone up your ass! EW!

MO: Porn is addictive and I’m saying if you have to invite it in to your relationship, you’re not being imaginative it’s like inviting in a third person…

ME: Porn is supplemental. And what’s wrong with a third person?!

Safety Cone

Who uses this in their sex life???

MO: Look at you and your big words! You want to supplement and soon you’re supplanted. Porn just creates a mess of unrealistic expectations. You get into a relationship so you don’t have to look at porn. You have your porn now.

ME: No. You’re wrong.

MO: How am I wrong?

ME: All I said is porn is just an extra. It isn’t gonna dominate your sexual life with your partner. You watch it when you’re feeling the need for a little extra kick.

MO: I think if you want extra kick then how about talking with your partner and coming with something instead of letting Colby Jansen’s hot ass come up with it for you?

ME: You seem to be referencing a lot of porn stars so I’m going to assume you watch a lot of porn, and you’re saying it’s not healthy in a relationship. However, you should be speaking to your partner about watching porn. Say: “hey, why don’t we watch porn tonight to get roused up. And maybe we’ll see something we like.” Cones not included!

MO: I do watch my fair share. But I am single so, it’s a moot point. I do have this one “Friend” that likes to have porn on while we….get “friendly”. I don’t say anything because we aren’t a couple, but when it’s on I wonder if he is watching it or paying attention to what I’m doing to him. And that is my point. It detracts from reality and that isn’t good for a relationship, especially if you’re trying to get it going again.

ME: You’re assuming that there is something wrong with the relationship. Porn can open new possibilities in exploring each other’s bodies, in a way you haven’t done before.

MO: Have you watched porn? It’s all pretty much the same. And that does suggest that a person has no imagination if they have to use porn.

ME: You’re assuming the person doesn’t have imagination.

MO: Um, yes I am. That is my point.

ME: Yes, porn is unrealistic, 90%, no 80% of gay men don’t look like that. Most of us don’t have these big penises or chiseled abs, but the reason we might turn to it is to look at something that is different from us. It doesn’t mean we aren’t physically attracted to our partner. It just means we want to look at someone who is sexy.

MO: Well, in the end I still think it sucks the imagination out of people, so you’re wrong.

ME: Whatever.

Lube and tissue

#SingleForLife

MO: Whatever yourself.

ME: As always, I am right on this one.

Are you #TeamMe, is porn okay in the relationship? Or are you #TeamMo, no porn! Let us know you’re view in the comments!

Who Makes the First Move?

Scott and me

ME and MO

ME is all about letting the other guy make the first move. MO is all for initiating. With a hetero couple it seems a little easier to tell who should initiate, but when the couple is same-sex, who makes the first move?

ME: I never make the first move.

MO: No wonder you’re a born again virgin.

ME: I never make the first move because I’m fucking adorable.

MO: Okay, there are several things wrong with that statement. I’m not saying that you have to make the first move EVERY time, but there are times when it would be beneficial if you actually did. If you never ask someone out then you just slowed down the process of meeting a special someone, or missing that opportunity entirely because you were too proud or shy to make the first move.

ME: Well, maybe it’s them who are missing out, not me. I do encourage guys to make the first move. I give them hints. I know how to flirt…most of the time.

James Franco

Come hither…

MO: After how many drinks?

ME: After 2. I get drunk fairly easy.

MO: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can drop all the hints you want, but that doesn’t always mean someone is gonna pick them up. There are times to be flirty and subtle and then there are times to be bold and direct.

ME: All I’m saying is that I don’t make the first move because I’m shy. I’m not conceited. Just to clarify. And it just so happens that guys make the first move. And if they don’t, I’m fine either way.

MO: So there has been a time when you wanted to go out with a guy but didn’t because you were too shy to ask? And it felt like the he just passed you by.

ME: No.

MO: I bet there was a time when you wish you had made the first move and didn’t.

ME: Sure with Joe what’s his name from Magic Mike, but seriously, there have been cute guys I’ve seen and wanted to flirt with. However, I get too shy.

MO: The thing is, there is a time when you should shake off the shyness and make the first move. It’s like going for a job. There are times when you are gifted with an opportunity and then there are times when you have to go get them! Dating is that way. You gotta put your fears aside and just talk.

ME: So are you saying I am missing out on something by not initiating?

MO: I am saying that there are probably opportunities you have missed because you sat back instead of acting.

ME: So does that mean you are always initiating?

MO: Not always. There are times I am either too shy or am just fed up with doing all the chasing, so I sit back and see if the bait catches any fishes. But if I see a guy I am really into or curious about, I do take the time to start things off because I would rather have an “Oh Well” moment than a “What if” moment.

ME: But I don’t think or worry about the “Oh well” or “What ifs”. If he isn’t willing to try when I’m there then it’s not worth thinking about.

MO And if you are okay with that fine, but just remember that if you keep doing the same thing you will always have the same results. At some point, you may find that you will need to initiate and it’s good to practice, especially since you are a shy guy.

ME: But you make it sound like I’m complaining about it. I’m not. I’m just saying I don’t.

me-halo

ME adorable as usual

MO: No, I know you aren’t complaining. Just letting you know that life could be a bit more colorful and you could have more stories to share if you just stepped outside your shy, little box now and again.

ME: But I’m adorable…….and you’re a whore.

MO: That’s fine. Whatever you say.

What about you guys? Do you agree with ME or are you Mo? Let us know in the comments if ME should change his way of thinking.

Gay Dating in Sacramento: zero degrees of separation

Zero degrees of seperation

Zero degrees of seperation

A few days ago a friend of mine (we’ll call him Tom to conceal his identity) met a guy (we’ll call him Lorenzo) for their first date. They met online, both local guys from Sacramento. They met at a trendy coffee shop downtown (Starbucks) and as they sipped on their green tea infused drinks and smiled nervously at one another, their conversation dove into what a normal first date might lead into: the ex-factor. Not a big deal, right?

As they begun to discuss their dating lives and interject funny anecdotes about past loves or one-night stands, Tom’s date mentioned that his previous ex didn’t like to hold hands and had a weird last name. Tom recalled he had briefly dated (2 dates) someone with similar characteristics and asked Lorenzo to give more details about this ex. As Lorenzo trickled more details about this guy, Tom began to connect the dots. It was the same guy…Tom smiled widely with his lips twitching nervously and avoiding eye contact with Lorenzo at all cost.  Lorenzo caught on to Tom’s awkward smiling and nervous laughter.

Lorenzo asked if Tom knew who Lorenzo was referring to. Being the honest guy that Tom is, he said yes and told him they had ‘briefly’ dated. Lorenzo then asked if Tom knew him biblically, and of course, Tom knew him biblically. There was a moment of silence between them and Lorenzo finally said, “I need to move out of Sacramento because everyone has slept with everyone else or dated everyone else.”

Lorenzo words are exactly what you feel when you are gay and date in a small city such as Sacramento. The degrees of separation between someone you dated or slept with are zero to none. The gay dating scene is tough enough as it is and when a relationship ends, you want to start fresh and rid of whatever toxicity your ex might have brought you. But when you date in Sacramento or in small cities, it seems that the ex-factor will, in doubt, be right around the corner or, in this case, in the new guy you are trying to date.

There is no six degrees of separation in Sacramento’s gay dating world. You sleep with one guy and you might as well add the whole lot of gays you see every week at the same clubs in downtown. The scenery doesn’t change unless some poor soul is visiting or passing through and everyone wants to sleep with him too. I was immune to this clustered dating phenomenon in Sacramento as I was dating someone form a WHOLE different country. But after the relationship ended, and I started to date locally, I began to see that in one way or another, everyone was connected. It sort of freaked me out for many reasons: no fresh start, moving forward might be harder, seeing the ex at the club with another lover was likely to happen, rumors, and more importantly, STD’s.

This clustered dating phenomenon is not easily escapable in Sacramento. So what do you do in such circumstances? Not date at all? Date someone from a different country like I did? (Not recommend) If you really want to avoid such phenomenon, maybe try dating someone from a nearby town but you also run the risk of the same dating phenomenon such as in Sacramento. My advice is, if you really like the guy, it really won’t matter who he’s dated as long as in the end, he is faithful. And just in case you are wondering, Tom and Lorenzo are going strong and have moved on to a second date and survived that as well.

Michael Sam could be first openly gay NFL player

Missouri's Michael Sam is hoping to enter the NFL as a draftee this summer.

Michael Sam is hoping to enter the NFL as a draftee this summer.

Over the past few days there has been a lot of news about University of Missouri defensive lineman Michael Sam announcement of his sexuality and his possible future in the National Football League. At first I didn’t see what the fuss was all about and why so much attention was being given to this football player. Sam had been out to his former Missouri Tiger teammates since last August so his announcement to them and to anyone who knew him was nothing out of the ordinary yet his “coming out” was on ESPN, The New York Times, and Outsports.

Yet no person currently playing in the NFL is openly gay and if Sam is drafted to the NFL in May, he would technically hold the title. His decision for coming out was not be the making headlines in the news but for him to own his truth. In The New York Times interview, he said that when he was playing in the Senior Bowl he wasn’t aware of how many people didn’t know he was openly gay so he wanted to own his moment before anyone broke the story later on.

He did right in doing so on his own terms and telling his story the way he wanted to rather than have reporters stalking his house and the media hounding him for information. He said he knew this was a big deal but that his purpose was to play football, and he did not want to be defined as “the gay football player” but rather for being a good person and having good character.

I believe he is handling this moment in the way any professional person would. He wants to be judged by the fact that he is a great football player. As we go for job interviews our sexuality isn’t put in question whether we can perform the job or not, but rather the skills we possess. His circumstance is heightened by the fact that he could be the first openly gay NFL player but should that matter?

The NFL is very much a very masculine/macho sport and players and executives have been supportive of Sam possibly playing for the league; however, some of the concern has not been whether Sam can play football or not but rather what happens behind the scenes in the locker room.

Two weeks ago New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma said in an NFL Network interview, “Imagine if he’s the guy next to me, and you know, I get dressed, naked, taking a shower, the whole nine, and it just so happens he looks at me, how am I supposed to respond?”

Although he retracted his statement later on Anderson Cooper 360, his statement is a concern for other players in the locker room. If you think about it, these men take showers together and statistically speaking the chances that a gay player has showered in the same locker room, yet none of those possible players have been out like Sam. There is a certain locker room culture these men have and having an openly gay teammate could change the dynamic of that.

Former Minnesota Viking player Chris Kluwe, who is a same-sex marriage supporter, stated on Anderson Cooper 360 that there is a small minority of players who might feel the way Vilma expressed it but in the past eight years of his professional career, he has seen a shift to more tolerable and acceptance. He said that the problem isn’t with the players but rather the people in charge of signing the paychecks who might be more hesitant in signing an openly gay player like Sam.

Hopefully what Sam has done by coming out is open the door for future players to not be afraid to be openly gay and the real issue would only be, not their sexuality, but rather their professional skill to play football.

More blogs and literature for the Latino LGTB community

When I started my blog a few weeks ago, I wanted to write about many different topics. One of those topics I wanted to approach was to write about the gay Latino/Hispanic community. I am a gay Latino and figured I would find other blogs dealing with such a topic. However, when I searched for “Gay Latino,” no blogs appeared. I was a little surprised that WordPress had no blogs dealing with such an issue. There were plenty of blogs when I searched “gay life” or “gay men” or other LGBT issues but zero blogs relating to this topic.

The lack of blogs got me thinking. I am gay and Latino and, well, maybe I should try to focus a part of my blog to this. A recent report by the William’s Institute stated there were 1.4 million Latino/a adults who consider themselves lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) in the U.S.  This number is huge and not considering the many more closeted Latino LGBT not represented in this report.  As many know, the Latino/Hispanic community is not as accepting or as open to the LGBT community.  There are many issues such as religion, family and culture that are very prominent in the Latino/Hispanic community that sometimes hinders the progress of the Latino LGBT.

Many Latinos fear coming out because family, more than often, is one the most important parts of their lives. To not have your family’s support while you are being honest is devastating and this applies not just to Latinos but to anyone coming out; however, in the Latino community, the family bond seems to be greater.  I know this fear because when I came out to my six siblings I feared losing my family. I feared not having their support. It was a risk I took and I am grateful for them supporting me. However, this isn’t always the case.

Machismo also seems to dominate the Latino culture which draws many setbacks to the coming out process. For men, being gay is considered reducing your masculinity. You are no longer the man you were before. Unfortunately, many Latin American countries carry this stigma. I could go on discussing this but for now mentioning these issues will allow me to bring them up later in different blogs.

Part of what I want to do with my blog is to talk about all these topics that seem to plague the Latino LGTB community. I just touched on a few issues but there are many more that can be discussed and having an ongoing dialogue is important so that it opens the door to more blogs. I am not saying there aren’t blogs out there regarding this issue.  One of the best-known bloggers discussing such topics is Andres Duque, a Colombian American gay rights activist. In his blog, Blabbeando, he discusses many LGTB issues such as politics and life issues from around the world.

What I hope to accomplish is to continue to speak about issues that are important the Latino LGTB community so there is more literature out there for the community and invite others to share their stories and experience through this medium.